Like how I feel that changes are happening to me too fast, but at the same time too slow. I want everything to slow down and speed up at the same time.
How I wish I knew where I will be this fall, to have security in a plan.
How I feel like I am not sure how I arrived sitting in this rocking chair typing these words.
How lately the times that I have felt happy have also felt like I am only avoiding a certain upcoming doom. I can be happy and smile only as long as I am distracted and not letting myself think about my job or my future.
But what doom? What is there to fear?
The atmosphere at my work is often not pleasant. Every day I do something wrong. Every day I learn something new that I should have been taught a month ago. The lady I usually work with demands that I do things in a time frame that is usually impossible. They talk about their employees behind their backs, and I wonder what they say about me when I am not there.
But my life is not in danger and I am getting paid. So why this paralyzing fear when I wake up and realize that I am working today? Why do I find myself hyperventilating in the shower like I am about to give a speech? I just want the fog that circles me to go away.
I can't explain my irrational fear of my job, a fear that has lasted too long. I don't know how long it will last or how long I will have this job. I don't know why God has chosen for me to be in this situation with so many unanswered questions.
All I know is that I have never prayed so much in my entire life. It is the first thing I do in the morning, before I am even out of bed. It is what I am focused on in the shower instead of thinking of stories or random thoughts. I pray as I get ready for work. I pray during any spare seconds at work. I pray during my break. I pray in the car. I pray on my walks. Because though I have always needed Jesus, now I feel that need like I did when I first started college completely alone and one thousand miles away from home.
Now, back at home four years later, I still need Him, and He has not stopped showing me that.
He did not forsake me on the cross. He did not leave me four years ago as a freshman, or any of the hard times throughout college. So why would He leave me now?
Oh me of little faith.