Tuesday, September 27, 2016

I Am Not Enough

Lately, I have been feeling inadequate. 

 I'm a college graduate who, so far, has not been able to find a job that suits my level of education or what I studied for the last four years. 

 I am a writer who has never had a story published and who will probably be still working on her first novel for the next five years.

 I am single young woman who has never been asked out on a date. Did I mention I was 22?

 At work I was told I need to be faster at my job, and despite every effort and skipping breaks, I have still been told I need to get faster because the busy season is coming soon.

  Lately, I've been feeling like I am not enough.

  I am not smart enough.
  Not creative enough.
  Not strong enough.
  Not pretty enough.
  Not fast enough.
  Not good enough.

  I am not enough. 

 People are quick to build me up when I feel this way, but while it is helpful in the moment, their encouragement never lasts because the truth remains; I am not enough. 

 Many Christians, even, fall into this belief that we need to lift our spirits by remembering God's love for us. 
 "God loves you," they say. That is true. 
 "He loves you so much he died for you." Also true.
 "Because you are worth it," they end. And not true.

 I was not worth it. I am a dirty, rotten sinner. If God had never looked at me, at all of humanity again after Adam and Eve sinned, He would have had every right. We have rebelled against the GOD, the KING, the CREATOR of the universe who gave us breath and a beautiful garden with animals and Himself and just told us to not eat from the one tree. I say "us" because we all would have done the same thing in Adam and Eve's place. One tree was forbidden, and we ate. One prideful feeling. One look of jealousy. One cry as a baby for milk that turned into anger when we did not receive food at the time we thought was proper. 

 So you're telling me that I was worth the death of God's Son, the most perfect and beautiful man who walked the earth? No, my worth is in the fact that Jesus chose to love me, not because I deserved it, but because it is what He chose to do. 

 Some of you are thinking about how when God created Adam and Eve He looked at them and said it was good. You are remembering how God has made us in His own image. You know that though we do sin we also were intricately designed and we have made beautiful paintings, sculptures, books, cities, and technology. But again, those are all things that God made us to be or has given us the ability to do. We need Him for every breath. Yes, our bodies, our minds, the things we can do, create, and say are amazing, and I think we should celebrate that, but it is God that allows those things to happen, and it just points us back to Him. Without Him we are nothing. Without Him we are not enough. 

 I am not enough. And recently, I've been feeling it.

 I will never be pretty enough.
 Never strong enough.
 Never fast enough.
 Never good enough, whether it is my writing, my relationships, or my job.

 But through Jesus who died for me, I am enough. Praise the Lord. Only through Him may I boast.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you,
for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
2 Corinthians 12:9, ESV

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Restless: A Prose Poem

  1: lacking or denying rest : uneasy  <a~night> 2: continually moving : unquiet :  <the~sea> 3: characterized by or manifesting unrest esp. of mind <~pacing> ; also changeful, discontented  (Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, 1062)

  Wanting to accomplish something, starting a project, then putting it down because it did not satisfy the urge to do something; then the feeling comes back, you start something new, but it's not worth it again, and the cycle then repeats itself.

  The strange sensation that something is not right and you have to fix what is broken, but you don't know what is broken or how to fix the hole.

  A tugging of you heart that longs to lead you to ab unknown place.

  Lying in bed constantly switching sides because you can't get comfortable and you're neither tired nor awake.

  Waiting for a change that is going to happen in your life and wanting but not being able to slow it down or speed up the process.

  A wandering of the mind.

  The feeling of boredom combined with a yearning for something more.

  The realization that God is trying to tell you something if you could only stop wandering to listen.

  The feeling of certain doom in your heart while your head applies logic to tell you there is no certain doom, leaving you only still with the feeling of doom but with no grounds and no reason to tell anyone your crazy feelings of an upcoming emotional desert. 

  The quiet whisper of God drawing you close and telling you to rest in Him.