Tuesday, November 17, 2015

When Dreams Die

Life isn't always wonderful.

Life isn't like a Disney movie where we know after a grand adventure the villain will be killed or banished and everyone will live happily ever after.

No matter what Cinderella says, our dreams will not come true just because we believe in them.

A dream of mine just died.

Actually, it has been dying. It was a slow, painful death that I only made worse by still holding onto it as it began to decay.

Eventually, I had to let it go.

First, I was mad at God. How could He let this dream die?

Then I was mad at Cinderella. How can you sweetly sing, "No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true"?

Then I was mad with myself. How could I have let this dream become bigger than my love for my Savior?

Dreams die.

But at my lowest point after my internal tantrum was done, after I fully acknowledged the death of my dream, as I sat in my chair numb, all I could hear was the Holy Spirit whispering, "Come to me."

Have any of your dreams died?
How did God meet you in that situation?

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

When My Care is Spread Thin


This semester, I am a good busy. I have so much to do, but it is all good.

 British Literature.

 Exploring graphic novels for the first time.

 An amazing and educational internship.

 An independent study designed to help me write my novel.

 A last Gen-Ed class.

 Wonderful roommates.

 The book of Jeremiah to read. 

 Prayers to be lifted to God.

 An apartment to keep clean.

 A kitchen waiting for culinary discoveries.

 An amazing church family.

 My sister living on campus.

 My parents back home.

 Friends at school.

 Friends at home.

 Friends spread out through various states and colleges.

 A thesis project to begin.

 Tutoring at the Writing Center.

 For some, this would be a quiet life. But for me it is insanely busy to the point where sometimes I want to give up and drop off the face of the earth.

 I do not handle busy well. It's just who I am. But the hardest part is that I would rather do five things to the best of my ability than ten things poorly.

 My care is being spread thin, and I hate it.

 I hate skimming through books I honestly want to read but have no time for.

 I hate turning in a paper that I know could have been better.

 I hate hardly ever using my kitchen.

 I fear that I am losing frienships from not having the time to connect.

 Instead of doing a few things well it feels like I am doing a lot of things terribly. I have so many classes and people to love and devote my time to. It feels like trying to completely cover a slice of bread with a very small pat of butter- hopeless, discouraging, and spread thin. 

 Wouldn't it be better to get a smaller peice of bread or wait until there is more butter? How can this busyness be good?

 Though it seems bad, this busyness is good. It comes from God. Maybe it is not the gift that I wanted, but it builds my character, molding me more into His likeness.

When my care is spread thin...

 1. It forces me to rely more on God.
     God has taught me a lot in college, but one reoccuring lesson is that I cannot do life on my own. Even though I have more to do than I ever have before, I have to stop and spend time with God. Without that, I cannot function. In fact because of the chaos around me, I come to Him more than I would if I wasn't busy. Busyness shatters the allusion that I can do life on my own without God.

2. It makes me find joy in the busyness. 

     There are things in my life that I am discontent with right now. There are things that I want to happen that aren't. I have big life decisions to make when I graduate. But being busy helps me not to worry about the future or dwell on what is wrong. It forces me to live in the now as I go to each new task.

3. It humbles me.

      I made the goal this past summer to get awesome grades my senior year so as to raise my GPA. It will be like my last hurrah as I am not planning to go to graduate school. But I may be seeing more B's than I had originally hoped, and that is something I need to live with.

4. It prepares me.

      Maybe in the future I will be blessed with children. Motherhood is perhaps the most busy and demanding job in the world, and maybe this busy season in my life is preparing me for that on a small level. Or maybe I will be blessed with a wonderful but taxing job. No matter what the future holds, I am sure to have other busy seasons in my life, and I am learning how handle them now.