"No."
A simple word, written, not said. But if it had been said, it would not have come out of my mouth loud and commanding. It would have been soft, with a deep sadness dripping from it.
Because that was all I could manage.
Because though I knew saying no was good and right, it was not what I wanted to say. It was the complete opposite of what I wanted to write that day.
~
Since high school, I feel as if I have been engaged in a battle for joy. Joy in all circumstances. Joy in Christ alone. Joy in saying "Thy will be done."
Later high school years, college, after college- life hasn't slowed down or gone as planned. Life gets hard and I pray for joy and contentment, only for it to seemingly allude me. And in the darkness, I am also confused. Surely God, who delights in giving His children good gifts, would grant me joy when it was He who commanded me to be joyful.
Life continues, and I realize now that joy is a choice. I am waiting to be zapped by His gift of joy, where instantly I will be fully joyful and fully content in Him and whatever situation He has me in, but where would the lesson and growth be in that? Even Paul had to learn contentment. So joy is a choice. I choose joy as my heart's response. I choose to smile, to be thankful, to trust that God is working for my good even in the hard times, that my hope is not in this world but in an eternity in Heaven with Jesus. I am learning.
But still there is more.
~
After I said no, there was such joy. When that no triggered the action I had feared, I felt this intense peace and joy and contentment that I had never experienced before. It wasn't immediately after in the deep heartache. But it wasn't far behind.
I assumed it was because I had a few people praying for me. I could feel their prayers. But I think it was more.
Every fiber of my being wanted to say yes. But I said no out of obedience to God.
It hurt more than anything had before. But then, unexpectedly, there was joy. Unexplainable joy in sorrow.
So joy also requires obedience.
~
"Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name..."
Philippians 2:5-9, ESV
Jesus himself was exalted and received joy by being obedient to the Father. He said yes to what He did not want to do- die a cruel death, humble Himself, debase Himself, feel the wrath of His Father in our place, feel such physical pain- an experience that I will never have in its entirety.
Jesus did this for me. He did this for you. But He also did this because it was His father's will, and doing His father's will gave Him joy.
And doing my father's will will also give me joy. So this is another piece of my joy. For didn't I pray for joy? I didn't pray for joy in this way. But neither did Jesus.
When we walk with the Lord in the light of His word
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.
Trust and obey, for there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
"Trust and Obey"
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