Top 10 Books of 2018

 Of the 62 books I read this year, here's my top ten out of fiction and then non fiction, since it's too hard to pick only ten! These are the books that challenged me the most, that had the most unique stories, had the most meaning, and the ones written like magic. They are the ones I will recommend again and again and that I hope to re-read in the future. 

Top 10 Fiction



10. "Anna Karenina" by Leo Tolstoy

9. "A Long Walk to Water" by Linda Sue Park

8. "Louis Undercover" by Fanny Britt

7.  "No Graven Image" by Elisabeth Elliot

6. "September of Shiraz" by Dalia Sofer 

5. "Shanghai Girls" by Lisa See

4. "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" by Betty Smith

3. "The End We Start From" by Megan Hunter

2. "Fruit of the Drunken Tree" by Ingrid Rojas Contreras 

1. "Homegoing" by Yaa Gyasi


Top 10 Non Fiction

Honorable Mention: "The Soul Winner" by Charles Spurgeon


10. "True Beauty" by Carolyn Mahaney and Nicole Mahaney Whitacre  

9. "Evangelism" by J. Mack Stiles

8. "Through Gates of Splendor" by Elisabeth Elliot

7. "End of the Spear" by Steve Saint

6. "The Best We Could Do" by Thi Bui

5. "These Strange Ashes" by Elisabeth Elliot

4. "When I Don't Desire God" by John Piper

3. "Hearts of Fire: Eight Women in the Underground Church and Their Stories of Costly Faith" by The Voice of the Martyrs 

2. "Gay Girl, Good God" by Jackie Hill Perry

1. "Shadow of the Almighty" by Elisabeth Elliot

What books were the highlights of your year?

My Obedience = My Joy

"No."

 A simple word, written, not said. But if it had been said, it would not have come out of my mouth loud and commanding. It would have been soft, with a deep sadness dripping from it.

 Because that was all I could manage.

 Because though I knew saying no was good and right, it was not what I wanted to say. It was the complete opposite of what I wanted to write that day. 

~

Since high school, I feel as if I have been engaged in a battle for joy. Joy in all circumstances. Joy in Christ alone. Joy in saying "Thy will be done." 

 Later high school years, college, after college- life hasn't slowed down or gone as planned. Life gets hard and I pray for joy and contentment, only for it to seemingly allude me. And in the darkness, I am also confused. Surely God, who delights in giving His children good gifts, would grant me joy when it was He who commanded me to be joyful.

 Life continues, and I realize now that joy is a choice. I am waiting to be zapped by His gift of joy, where instantly I will be fully joyful and fully content in Him and whatever situation He has me in, but where would the lesson and growth be in that? Even Paul had to learn contentment. So joy is a choice. I choose joy as my heart's response. I choose to smile, to be thankful, to trust that God is working for my good even in the hard times, that my hope is not in this world but in an eternity in Heaven with Jesus. I am learning.

 But still there is more. 

~

 After I said no, there was such joy. When that no triggered the action I had feared, I felt this intense peace and joy and contentment that I had never experienced before. It wasn't immediately after in the deep heartache. But it wasn't far behind.

 I assumed it was because I had a few people praying for me. I could feel their prayers. But I think it was more.

 Every fiber of my being wanted to say yes. But I said no out of obedience to God. 

 It hurt more than anything had before. But then, unexpectedly, there was joy. Unexplainable joy in sorrow.  

 So joy also requires obedience. 

~

"Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name..."

Philippians 2:5-9, ESV

 Jesus himself was exalted and received joy by being obedient to the Father. He said yes to what He did not want to do- die a cruel death, humble Himself, debase Himself, feel the wrath of His Father in our place, feel such physical pain- an experience that I will never have in its entirety. 

 Jesus did this for me. He did this for you. But He also did this because it was His father's will, and doing His father's will gave Him joy. 

 And doing my father's will will also give me joy. So this is another piece of my joy. For didn't I pray for joy? I didn't pray for joy in this way. But neither did Jesus.

 When we walk with the Lord in the light of His word

What a glory He sheds on our way!

While we do His good will, He abides with us still,

And with all who will trust and obey.

Trust and obey, for there's no other way

To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

"Trust and Obey"

Counting My Blessings // 10 Things I am Thankful For

 ~I am thankful for the passing of time, that I am no longer in the same place I was two or even one year ago. Two years ago I was still new to working full time, and it exhausted me. One year ago I was recovering from a certain situation. Now as I look back I see so much growth, healing, and a forty hour work week that is no longer too much.

~I am thankful that I am eternally secure. I cannot lose my salvation. No matter what I do, Jesus will hold onto me as His child. Even when I feel distant from Him, even when I sin, even when I continue to struggle with the same sins over and over again, He will hold me fast. What a blessing!

~I am thankful for family.  I never wanted to move back home after graduating from college. But I am thankful for my parents and how they love me. In college I so wanted to spend Thanksgiving with my family, but I was too far away. Now I try to treasure every holiday with them, for I do not know what the future holds.

~I am thankful for reconnecting with old friends. 

~I am thankful for new friends.

~I am thankful for friends who have always been my friends, or so it seems. My sister, my old college roommate who I text prayer requests to and who might as well be my sister, my dear friend who meets me at Barnes and Noble, my smart and sweet and dear friend at Dartmouth. 

~I am thankful to have a job and work with people I love dearly.  I also never wanted to work in a factory. It feels like the complete opposite direction that I wanted and what I thought God wanted for me. But this is where He has me, and I am thankful to be working and to have a steady paycheck. And I am thankful for the people there. My good friend from church, my second mother, my sweet Filipino friends my age who I love, the lady who walked to the break room with me when I almost fainted, the woman in shipping who loves to say my name that I share with her daughter, and my boss who has always been generous.

~I am thankful for almost paying off my student loans!

~I am thankful for good books. Life changes and life is hard, but there is always a new and fabulous book to read. I am currently loving "The Soul Winner" by Spurgeon and "The Fruit of the Drunken Tree" by Ingrid Rojas Contreras. 

~I am thankful for the forgiveness of Jesus. It is disheartening for years to go by and I continue to struggle with some of the same sins. But Jesus paid for those sins on the cross with His life. So though I struggle, though I work to get better, though I fight, my battle has already been won by Jesus.

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving? I would love to know and praise God together!

Hold It Gently

Hold it, but hold it gently, she whispers.

 And she presses it softly into my palm.

 Don't cover it with your hands.

 It might be taken away.


 Just look and admire. 

 Bask in its' beauty. 

 Then look away. 

 Things can't last forever. 

 And so much has been taken.



It is the time of year when bright red leaves crunch under my shoes. The flash of red before death.

 I dwell on what is lost, what is missing, and what never was.

 But what is here? A vibrant flash of color to last us through the long, white and gray winter. The softness and quiet of snow. And the promise that winter will not last forever.


So much is taken. But what if these taken things were never mine.

So much is lost. But God has something better to give later.

So much will never be. But someday in Heaven, we will have Jesus and everything that never was will be unimportant and forgotten in His presence. 


So hold it, but hold it gently, I whisper.

And I press it softly into your palm.

Don't cover it with your hands.

It might be taken away.

But our God is kind.

He takes away for our good.

He takes away so we will focus on Him alone.

Things on this earth can't last forever.

But He has given us, believer, an eternal hope through His Son.

When the Lord Your God Was King

"And when you saw that Nahash the king of the Ammonites 
came against you, you said to me, 'No, but a king shall 
reign over us,' when the Lord your God was king."

1 Samuel 12:12, ESV

 I've begun reading the books of Samuel, and I've been taken back to the first time hearing the story of King Saul. I remember wondering why the Israelite's desire for a king was so bad. It seemed reasonable to me, especially since the judges didn't seem to have any lasting good. Every other nation had a king, so why not Israel? 

 What I didn't see was that God was their king. What need did they have for a king when the Lord was on their side?

What I didn't realize was that their desire to be like the other nations was exactly what God didn't want. They were His chosen people, set apart by Him. Why then would they want to be like other nations and have a king when the very fact that they were different meant their safety and prosperity?

 What I didn't read was 1 Samuel 12:12. When Israel saw the king of the Ammonites coming toward them with his army and were afraid, they did not turn to God. Instead, they begged for a king to lead them into battle. Despite the fact that in all of their years of existence it was the Lord that lead them into battle and gave them their victory. 

...why...when the Lord your God was king?

So Samuel begins to sound like Judges and Exodus and Genesis. The Lord is good and faithful. Israel is stupid and unfaithful. But God chooses to continue to love them. 

 It sounds like other blog posts of mine. The Lord is good and faithful. I am stupid and unfaithful. But God chooses to continue to love me.

 The writer in me says, "A book that keeps recycling the plot over and over again within itself? Not good," not to mention my own blog posts that keep showcasing this theme. 

 But this is good. As I have said before and will say again, just as the people of Israel could not (or would not) remember all of the victories God won for them throughout the Bible, we too cannot remember the faithfulness of our God each day.

 If you tire of reading these words from me, please realize that I keep writing these words because I need to hear them. And I think you do, too. As the author of "Because He Loves Me" writes, the gospel is not just for the unsaved. 

 As my eyes lingered on 1 Samuel 12:12, I began to replace some words with my own idols.

"And when you saw that _______________, you said to me, 'No, __________________,' when the Lord your God was ________."

 When we fill in the verses with our own idols and demands, it makes our hopeless unfaithful hearts even more clear. 

 And when I saw that everyone was married except me, I said, "No, I deserve to be married, too," when Jesus Christ was my beloved. 

 I think the Bible has this repetition of Israel's unfaithfulness contrasted with God's constant faithfulness because it truly happened and to show us our depravity compared to His holiness. And then to point us to Jesus who paid for that depravity on the cross. 

 The Lord my God is king. So though I stumble and wish for an earthly king every day, when I am afraid, I will keep running to my king.

"And Samuel said to the people, 'Do not be afraid; you have done all this evil. Yet do not turn aside from following the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart. And do not turn aside after empty things that cannot profit or deliver, for they are empty. For the Lord will not forsake his people, for his great name's sake, because it has pleased the Lord to make you a people for himself."

1 Samuel 12:20-22, ESV

How A Tiny Church in Maine Changed My View of Failure

Many years ago my dad planted trees all around our yard. There were two special balsam firs, one taller than the other. My sister and I quickly claimed them as "our trees", and we helped to plant them and decide where they would go. 

 We still watch our trees and see how they've grown. My sister's tree has grown tall, full, and straight. But my tree has struggled. For the longest time it wouldn't grow. The trunk curled to the right and though it straightened eventually, there's an awkward extension like the handle of a tea cup. And if you look closely, my tree is slanted.

 Recently, my tree feels like a visual reflection of my life. Like my tree, my life seems to be going nowhere. I live at home, I'm single, I have a job in a factory, my writing is struggling, my Bachelors degree has been useless, I've only gotten no's from overseas opportunities, and I am unsure about what I want to be doing in two or three years. I'm just like my crooked, skinny tree.   
 A few weeks ago I was able to take a break from all of those things and spend a weekend in Maine with friends. Sunday morning we worshiped with our sister church- a church that, like mine, has the same send off or "mother" church. 

 My friends told me the church was small. I heard jokes about how our group would double the congregation that morning. But I still wasn't prepared for just how small. At the most there may have been about fifty-five to sixty people, there, including our group of twenty-two. And maybe most surprising was the lack of children.

 It would be easy for us and the church to assume they are a failure, but we don't think that way. Instead, it is encouraging. This church was started about eight years ago and the pastor has been faithfully preaching the Word without fail no matter how many people show up on a Sunday. I know it has been difficult for them to press on at times, but the gospel must be preached whether it is for an audience of twenty or two hundred. God uses the churches of small towns and low numbers as much as he uses the gospel preaching mega churches. This little church looks past the numbers and past the traditional meaning of success to see what God sees: a small church faithfully preaching the gospel and reaching their community with the love of Christ. Isn't that what every church does? Isn't that what every individual believer does?

 I would never call this little church a failure. They are not as big as my church. They have struggled more than most of our fellow church plants and are even smaller than the newest one that is only a year or two old. Of course we want our churches to thrive and grow and plant other churches and fund missionaries and have the capabilities to help in our communities. But at the end of the day all that matters is if the church preached the gospel. 

 My life looks like a failure. From a certain standpoint it is. There is a reason I was not offered jobs and internships. Though there is no shame in working at a factory, I have failed to get a writing job and have failed to finish a book.

 I fail every day in my sin. But I am not a failure. My debt has been paid by Jesus' blood. And isn't that the main point of the gospel? I, we, are failures. We are dead in our sin. But Jesus died for that sin. 

 So if today, God wants me to follow Him by working at a factory, being single, applying for opportunities I may or may not get, and figuring out what my future holds, who am I to argue? It may not be what I had hoped. It may not be glamorous. But it is what God has given to me. 

 My tree may be crooked and strange and not the best tree in our yard. But it is standing and green and growing. And it is mine.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my 

power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast 

all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of 

Christ may not rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I 

am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, 

and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12:9-10, ESV

"But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every 

way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. 

And because of this I rejoice. Yes, and I will continue to rejoice..."

Philippians 1:18, NIV

"The Lord measures the faithfulness 
of our labor, not our success."
~ John Piper

New Favorite Things // May 2018

 I once read about a "Favorite Things" party in a magazine. Every year around the holidays several women got together to celebrate. It was always before or after the Thanksgiving and Christmas rush since none of them had time nor could they gather when they had family obligations. But they set aside a specific time each year to celebrate the season with each other and share a new favorite thing.

 It could be a book they discovered and loved. It could be a recipe. It could be a new lotion or product that revolutionized life. Whatever it was, they would buy one for each friend, sharing the story of why it became a favorite thing.

 So until I have my own place and can host a "Favorite Things" party of my own, here are some of my new favorite things.

ESV Scripture Journals
 My mom made this discovery. You've heard of Journaling Bibles, and this is the same thing, only individual books of the Bible. It is a slim and somewhat small book with the verses on the left page and a blank page with light lines on the right. You can buy the whole New Testament (hopefully the Old Testament will be out soon) or one book of the Bible. 

 My church just started the book of John, so that is the one I got. I've been doing a combination of sermon notes, personal reflections, and drawings and it has been fun and helpful for really getting into John. For the next book I may just use my ESV Scripture Journal for personal reflections and prayers and see if I like it better. 

  
David's Tea
 A new store opened in my area, and it's a loose leaf tea store out of Canada called David's Tea! They have an entire wall of canisters with tea and more flavors than I imagined. I have to admit I am hooked. Their tea is stronger and richer in flavor. Plus they have the coolest names for their teas, like Cold 911. 


What's the Point of Art?
 Since getting an i-phone, I have been enjoying the new world of podcasts. So when I stumbled upon What's The Point of Art from The Gospel Coalition, I listened to it the next day on my way to work. I love how God works, because over these last few months I have been wrestling with my writing and the gospel and how they connect on a functional level. How do I write good literature without being preachy since I am writing stories and not sermons? But how can I not put the gospel into my writing since the gospel is the most important thing in my life and the entire world? What is the balance? 

 I concluded that I was overthinking things as usual. But the question was still there. And then I listened to this podcast. I am still unclear as to how the gospel will appear in my writing specifically. But this podcast was so helpful to me. And I think that other artists would love it, too. It is about creating art and not just for writers. So I encourage artists and art enthusiasts alike to listen. Though on the longer side, Jackie Hill Perry is hilarious, and it seemed short to me. I need to listen to it again!

Newly Discovered Music
 These are the songs I've been playing on repeat, lately.

 On Jordan's Stormy Banks by Peter Bradley

 St. Clarity - Mahogany Sessions by The Paper Kites

 Fall Away by Jackie Hill Perry

 Delicate by Taylor Swift


Mochithings
 Super excited and nerding out on this cool Korean website that sells notebooks, journals, stickers, and other office type supplies. Maybe it is the type of stuff they sell. Maybe it's the Asian designs and vibes. Maybe it's the specific and detailed sticky notes (I just got cherry blossoms!!) Whatever it is, I love it! I'm not one to spend money easily, but I was literally squealing as I viewed every page. So check out mochithings. 


 What are some of your new favorite things?

An Open Letter to My Sister Graduating from College

When you started college, I had lots of advice. From roommates to homework to living away from home for the first time, I knew what you would struggle with and I knew what I wanted to share with you.

Now you are graduating. I know many of the struggles coming your way. But if I'm honest, I have little advice to give since they are still the same struggles that I am currently battling.

 So I write to you as an older sister who has started this journey a few years ahead of you, but who is still learning. And this is what I want to tell you about post graduate life.  

 1. People will tell you how you should live your life. 

 People love to share their opinions, particularly, I have found, when it comes to where you should live. Some will tell you to live with your parents because it is financially smart. Others will tell you not to live with your parents because if you do you will not be a true adult. And still others will tell you everything in-between. 

 Some will be people who love you and have wise things to say.  Most, I have found, will be people who will share their opinions whether you want to hear or not. Do me a favor and ignore that second group. They don't always know you and what you need. They don't know our family and what is best for us. So long as you have a job and are doing what you and our parents feel is right, do what you want and not what they think you should do.

 Even taking into consideration the words of wise people who love you, the decision is yours and your alone. So make your choice with no guilt. 



2. Be Flexible. 


If I have learned one thing about life after college, it is its' unpredictability. I told myself that this was when life was really going to happen, and I was right, but not in the ways that I expected or hoped. I didn't get married. I didn't get a job in my field. I didn't even stay in the area I wanted. I think in high school and college our life is settled in most ways. Yes, a lot is up in the air, but we know we're going to wake up in the morning and go to class and in the summers work and go to the beach. But after graduation, there is nothing quite so "fixed" in that way. There are endless possibilities- jobs, more school, travel, internships, locations- and there are endless possibilities within those categories. And it is all before us and all up to us. With so many possibilities, flexibility is required. 



3. The path is not always clear.

 For some it is, and I envy them. But for me, I feel like I have been walking through fog since my college graduation. I can only see what is directly under my feet. 

 Thankfully Jesus is my lighthouse, the light forever glowing and leading me toward Him. Thankfully He is yours, too. 


4. Have fun in this season of your life.

   I don't need to tell you to have fun, the girl who will always have fun and will make fun for everyone else. Just don't forget its importance when life gets hard. Every different season of my life has had its difficulties. But I always miss some parts of them. Don't forget to have fun in the unique parts of this season.

 And it is a part of joy and contentment. It is a part of being thankful for what God has given us and choosing to be joyful in those blessings despite the turmoil and despite everything wrong. 

 So take time to do something crazy that will make you laugh.

5. You can't do this.

 There is debate about when a person truly becomes an adult. No matter when it really happens, you are one now. 

 And you can't do it.

 I can't do it.

 At the end of the day, when we have bills to pay, an endless amount of student loans, a pile of no's from our dream employers, and an empty fridge, we can't do this.

 Luckily, we have a savior who can.

 Remember that with me as we try to figure out our lives and fail miserably. 

He Goes Before Me

"Then I {Moses} said to you, 'Do not be in dread 

or afraid of them. The Lord your God who goes 

before you will himself fight for you, just as he did for 

you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness, 

where you have seen how the Lord your God carried 

you, as a man carries his son, all the way that you 

went until you came to this place.'"

Deuteronomy 1:29-30, ESV

 If God went before Israel and marked their way and prepared for them a place and made it clear what direction they should go, how much more so will God do that for me when I have Him- the Holy Spirit- dwelling inside of me?

 I need not fear my uncertain future; it is certain to God.

 I need not worry about what decision to make; God will make it clear to me in His time.

 I need not live my life without hope; God has prepared a permanent place for me in heaven no matter what He will or will not do for me in this life. 

 For what He did for Israel He has done for me ten thousand fold by sending Christ to take away all fear, all uncertainty, and to die for me to secure my place with Him in heaven forever.  

Lord, help me trust in You, not only with my written words but with my heart and my feelings and my actions. Help me to live the way I should when my future is certain to You, when You will lead me in Your timing, and when You have prepared a place for me by your side in heaven. Help me see You as the ultimate joy and let that joy be unshakable. Help me not so easily forget, like Israel, all that You have done for me. 

Closing Doors and Clear Windows

I have a thing for windows.

Not stained glass windows, though I do find them beautiful. I love plain windows. Big windows with clear glass that I can see through and that let in the sunshine. 

 During my college years, my bed was usually in front of the one window. I would spend countless hours sitting there and looking out onto the campus observing, thinking, and daydreaming. Especially my freshman year, I was always by our window.

 My roommates found it odd, I think. Their quiet and timid third roommate who was often too complying and reserved became a forceful and commanding hurricane only once- when they threatened to block her window with a mini fridge as a temporary logistical fix. 

 I couldn't explain it then. I just needed my window. Maybe it was the sunlight my body craved during the long winter. Maybe it was my curiosity as I people watched. Maybe it was the beautiful tree whose branches grazed the glass. Maybe looking out the window felt safer than walking out the door. 

Maybe it was all of those things. But now, I find window watching to be a visible action that portrays my longing. 

 I long for spring again, with sunshine and flowers. I long for hiking trails with my dad again. I long to have an endless amount of time to work on my novel and have the words flow freely. I long to see new places and explore new countries. I long for marriage and children.

But there comes a time when I have to stop looking out the window and focus on the doors that lead to places.

So I've been knocking.

There is a door called marriage that feels permanently locked. With a dead bolt. For the longest time I have been sitting at the window waiting to hear the chains being lifted off the door. But lately with God's help, I have been shifting away from the window and toward new doors. Doors that would combine my love for writing and my desire to travel. Doors that are completely opposite of marriage, but more toward where God seems to be directing me. 

Lately, those same doors have been closing.

I find myself at the window again.

I recently read These Strange Ashes by Elisabeth Elliot where she shares her story of her first year as a missionary in the jungles of Ecuador. Elisabeth's goal was working toward creating a written language for the people so they could read the Bible. She worked hard that year, going through many trials, but she made progress- only for all of her notes and pages of language study and creation to be lost at the end of the year.

 Can you imagine? This is what God had called her to do. And it was clearly His will for the gospel to go forth. So why would He allow all of her good work to be destroyed?

 Elisabeth says, "I felt like a son who had asked for a fish and had been given a scorpion. I had honestly (surely it was honestly?) desired God. I wanted to do His will... It was a long time before I came to the realization that it is in our acceptance of what is given that God gives Himself. Even the Son of God had to learn obedience by the things He suffered... Each separate experience of individual stripping we may learn to accept as a fragment of the suffering Christ bore when He took it all" (These Strange Ashes).

My new doors made sense, at least to my small and limited mind. If marriage wasn't in my future, surely this opportunity where only my singleness would allow me to go would be in His plan?

 But it doesn't have to make sense to me. Often, it doesn't make sense to me and maybe never will. 

So I sit at my window again, looking out and wondering what I will do, what I will be. Yes, there is longing. There always will be until every longing is fulfilled in heaven. And there are closed doors I wish would open. 

 But for now they are closed. And it is a stripping, as Elisabeth says. "Each separate experience of individual stripping we may learn to accept as a fragment of the suffering Christ bore when He took it all" (These Strange Ashes). 

 This is life sometimes. Maybe often. We go to Ecuador and lose a year's worth of language work. We don't go overseas even though we long to travel and write stories and serve. We don't get married or have families. Our writing doesn't get published.

 But it is for our good, our sanctification, and His glory. 

"Of one thing I am perfectly sure: God's 

story never ends with ashes" 

(These Strange Ashes).

How God Uses My Brokenness for His Glory

Forty hours a week, you can find me hand wrapping chocolate in foils, tying bows, counting stickers, and packaging sweet chocolate shapes. 

 It's tedious and far away from my dream job or even my college major, but I am thankful. 

 Almost six months ago, my boss asked to see me in his office at the end of the day. Hours later, I fearfully entered his office and closed the door at his request, trying to figure out what I had done wrong and what I would say.

 Instead, he offered me a promotion, a small leadership role in my department. The job was almost exactly the same as what I had been doing before, but I would be the coordinator of the room, making sure products were wrapped on time and acting as liaison between different departments we work with directly. 

 I sat in the chair across from him stunned. Because I am not a leader. I am the one who works behind the scenes. I am the one who forces others to make decisions. I am the one who will avoid confrontation and avoid anything that puts me in the spot light on any level. 

 Yet I now find myself the wrapping coordinator. 

 And I picture God sweetly laughing.

 The position is small, but it has been a stretch for me. Some days it is easy and I forget I am "in charge". Other days I regret saying yes. A few Mondays ago it was one of those regretful days. 

My job is unique in that as long as our hands are busy, we can talk. This is a huge blessing as our tasks can quickly get tedious and boring. But sometimes we can get more caught up in our conversations than our work.

 We can all do this, but I have one coworker who tends to do it more often. She is an easygoing and delightful woman who talks with her hands and I noticed as soon as she started working that she would stop wrapping when she got involved in a conversation.

 But I said nothing. I hoped that as time passed and she learned more about how we do things it would naturally stop. Mostly, I didn't want to tell her. And she did get better. Mostly.

 Which brings me to that one Monday.

 We are working at different tables and I ask this woman about a book she had finished. She summarizes the book for me and as she speaks her chair turns around until she is facing me and not the table where she is working. She is so excited about this book, telling me plot and character details. 

 Then our boss enters the room. And he sees her facing away from her work.

 He says little, but he doesn't have to say anything. I see on his face that though he isn't mad, he is annoyed, and has every right to be.

 When he leaves we silently go back to our work, and shame and horror settles over me. Some might not be bothered by what happened. We all work hard and do our best there, and what does a loss of maybe three minutes at the most matter? 

 But it gnaws at me. As the coordinator, it is my job to make sure things like this don't happen. And today, I failed to do my job.

 I am quiet the rest of the day brooding in my failure. But I can't focus just on this failure. All of my failures come back into my head, parading in front of me and taunting me. I try so hard to be perfect and it never works. 

 And I want to laugh at myself. If I was perfect, Jesus wouldn't have had to die!  This is so simple and stupid. I have accepted the truth of my sin and Christ's payment for my sin since I was four years old. Yet I live my life trying to be perfect.

 Though still sobered by the previous events, I feel peace, and I know what I must do.

 First, I write a quick note to my boss since I write better than I can speak. I apologize for what happened, tell him that it was my fault, and that I will try my best to not let it happen again. I slip it onto his desk with other papers.

Then I stay late to talk to this woman when everyone else has gone. 

 "I have been avoiding telling you something for a while," I begin carefully. 

 She listens, and I try to gently explain how easily she can lose focus and stop wrapping.

 And she is gracious, agreeing that she does that and even tells me to just give her a look the next time that happens. I have been stupidly avoiding this conversation for months for no reason. We talk about it more. We even talk about my leadership position and how I never wanted to be in charge of anything. 

 Then I see an opening and sense a push. 

 "But this leadership role has been good for me," I say.

 "How so?" she asks. Her eyes find mine. 

 "This job has helped me see that I try to live my life perfectly. I try to hide my flaws from the world. But in this job, I mess up all the time in tangible ways people outside of my family can see. And it is so stupid since the foundation of my faith is that I am not perfect and I'm a sinner, so Jesus died on the cross for my sin."

 We don't linger on the subject, but this is the most I have ever been able to share the gospel with her. All because I messed up. 

 And this is how God uses my brokenness for His glory.

How I Found Joy in Country Music

  "I have learned, 

in whatever state I am, 

therewith to be content."

Philippians 4:11

 When I first started my current job, they only played country music. It was the favorite musical genre of the woman who began working in my department first, and every morning when I walked into the room, she already had on her country tunes.

 And I hate country music.

 I do love Lady Antebellum. I admit I enjoy the old, country-ish Taylor Swift. And there's a few Rascal Flatts songs I will play occasionally. I have even come to appreciate a Carrie Underwood song. But those are the exceptions to the rule. Play a song about a truck in the mud and how the dirt road winds like a woman's body and my soul dies a little. When I hear a  man's deep, twangy and raspy voice that sounds like he is intentionally pretending he never learned how to read or correctly pronounce English words, I want to scream- no exaggeration. 

 That is what I listened to eight hours a day for over six months. But during those long months where sometimes I wanted to crawl into a hole when turned on the local country station yet again, I did something I'd never done before- I sang along anyway.

  When I was twelve and my best friend moved away, I stopped singing. I couldn't sing. It was several months before I could go back to singing again, an activity that I am always doing. And when I look back on my life, as a small child and a young adult, for the big things and the small, I wallow and pout in what I consider the unfair and cruel treatment from God. I don't sing.

 I'll never know why I decided to sing along to the country music. Clearly it was the Holy Spirit working in my life, because I learned some things those long months of my country music immersion. 

First, I began to appreciate country music on a small level. 
  
  I learned new tunes, sung new harmonies, and found country music almost like a new world I had never explored. I tried to see my hours of listening to country music as an education of a genre of music I had previously avoided. 

 But most significant was when I discovered that none of my co-workers realized how much I loathed country music. 

I'll never forget when one of my co-workers looked at me in shock when I admitted I hated the radio station.

 "Really?" she said.

 I was confused. "No," I said. "I've never liked country music." I couldn't think of any time I had said I loved it.

 And then I remembered that I had also never said anything about my musical dislikes. I remembered that I'm always singing. Even to the men with the raspy, deep, hick country vocals.

 Though I was thrilled to correct my co-worker and tell her about the music that I actually love, I was also proud that they didn't know about my hatred for country music.

 I learned a lot about joy over those country music months. Joy is something I have struggled with a lot throughout my life. I used to beg God for joy, but really, what I wanted was to be happy. And the only way I thought I could be happy was if God made all of my dreams come true. 

 Joy didn't come, and I became angry. Joy was a good thing to pray for, something that I knew God would love to give me. So why wouldn't He? Instead, with each year joy became even harder as situations in my life seemed to get darker and my life went in the opposite direction of where I wanted it to go.

 So where was my joy?

 I have always had joy since the day at four years old when I surrendered my life to Jesus. Jesus is my joy. Jesus is joy Himself.  Because of who Jesus is and what Jesus has done for me, I have everlasting joy.

 "And the angel said to them, 'Fear not, for behold I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.'"

Luke 2:10-11

The joy Luke is talking about here is Christ Jesus Himself born as a baby to save us from our sins. Peter fleshes this out more in one of his letters.

"Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

1 Peter 1:8-9 

 We have joy in Jesus himself as our God, Savior, and friend and we have joy in Jesus' death and resurrection. We have joy in Him now on this earth and we have joy in knowing that someday we will live with Him forever in Heaven. This is the joy that I have.

 I shouldn't have prayed for joy. I should have prayed for the strength and diligence to practice and live out the joy already inside of me. 

This Christmas I went to a women's event at my church. After a delicious breakfast and a gospel centered talk, we were discussing the song "Joy to the world." 

 "Do you guys think joy is a choice?" one woman asked.

 And without hesitation, I said, "Yes."

 I told them about the country music I was forced to listen to at work. I told them that for me, joy is a daily struggle in which I constantly have to recommit myself and remind myself of the truth of the joy I have in the gospel. The struggle could be from something small, like wanting to tear my ears out from all of the country music. Or it could be bigger, like my life going in the complete opposite direction of what I wanted. No matter what the struggle is, I have the tendency to forget my joy.

 Ultimately, I have the joy of Jesus and His gospel within me always, even when I don't feel joyful or content. But it is a choice I must make each day. There is a tension there between the joy I already have and the joy I need to learn. I must choose to look at my life through my joy in Christ that can never be taken from me. I must choose to rejoice and sing through all of life's circumstance. 

I must choose to believe and trust in the joy I have in Christ even when it feels joyless.