Dear 2016 // Living Plan "C" and God's Agenda

Dear 2016,

 You have been a strange year.

  I started you feeling nervous about upcoming changes, but hopeful. I completed my last semester of college, gave a thirty minute presentation on the awkward topic of emotional porn, and graduated.

 I moved back home, started a retail job that gave me what must have been mild panic attacks, and drove to Michigan via Canada with my dad to take my sister back to school.

 Thankfully God provided an escape from retail, and I started my first full time job working at a chocolate factory. The week before Christmas I also discovered what it was like to work overtime and clocked in 48 hours (the verdict is hopefully never again).

 2016, you haven't been bad, just hard. It was hard to finish college strong. The night before my presentation was spent trying to convince myself that I would not die standing in front of thirty people talking about sex and pornography and not having a heart attack during the presentation. My graduation was simply a blur of goodbyes to beloved friends, professors, and places. During my retail job I experienced the feeling of utter hopelessness. I had to say goodbye to my sister for three months. It was and still has been a struggle to adjust to working full time at a job I am not naturally gifted in nor ever wanted (temporarily or permanently). And though I love my parents it has also been an adjustment to live at home again after being so independent during four years of college.

 This is not a pitty party, 2016, just facts. Ever since graduation I have felt like I have been living Plan C. 

 Plan A: Graduate with a B.A. in Creative Writing (check), marry an amazing young man summer or fall 2016 (un-check), get a cool writing job with a Christian non-profit or publishing company (nope), get short stories and articles published in magazines and literary journals as well as have my blogs explode with traffic (those things haven't happened either), finish my first novel and in the years to come have it published followed by contracts for more novels until I die (You get the pattern. Didn't happen), eventually have some kids (clearly won't happen).

 Plan B: Graduate with a B.A. in Creative Writing (check), be fully content with my singleness and embrace that freedom and gift and devote my life to helping other single women (ha), live in Michigan and get an apartment with a good friend(s) (nope), get a cool writing job with a Christian non-profit or publishing company (no), get short stories and articles published in magazines and literary journals as well as have my blogs explode with traffic (yeah, no), finish my first novel and in the years to come have it published followed by contracts for more novels until I die (no), somehow be an influential single person in the Christian writing world without having to do public speaking engagements (hey, I can dream).

 Plan C: Graduate with a B.A. in Creative Writing (already happened so good start to plan), live at home because I have no other option (check), work at a chocolate factory because I cannot be idle and have upcoming loan payments (check), every once in a while force myself to write even though I am worn out from working because I WILL finish my novel even if it takes me ten years (check), search for writing jobs in Michigan because even though every day I am here it gets harder to leave, I still want independence (check). 

 The only thing that has gone according to my plan is graduating from college and convincing my sister to also go to the same college, which quickly backfired as we are in different states again.

 You did bring some wonderful things, 2016, that I can't forget. I made new friends, after four years of hard work I graduated from college, I survived my crazy presentation (though I'm still not sure how), I was able to be in a dear friend's wedding, I had many hiking adventures with my dad, a saw a favorite band in concert, I finally finished reading through the entire Bible, I got to touch the top of Whiteface Mountain, and God taught me many lessons about joy and contentment. 

 However at night I think about my Plan C that I am currently living and can't help feel depressed, ashamed, and often angry at God despite the good times. I didn't want Plan C. I didn't even want Plan B.  

 But God wants Plan C. I don't know why, but the fact that I am currently living it means he wants it for me. He may even change Plan C. I have a hunch that despite how much I hate it, I may be living Plan Z at the end of my life. 

 But my Plan C or Plan Z are his Plan A. 

 In 2017, I want my agenda to die. Though my flesh fights me, I want my plans to be God's plans. 

 The last book I read in your year, 2016, was "Finding Your Way Through Loneliness" by Elisabeth Elliot, and I fell in love with the following section.

 "A bright young woman and I were eating lamb sandwiches. I asked her if she is lonely. 

'Lonely? Why should I be?'

'You're single. Most of the single people I know talk about being lonely.'

With a look of surprise and then a laugh she said, 'Oh no. You see, I have a sense of expectancy every day. What does the Lord want to do with me today? I have no agenda of my own.'

No agenda of my own. There is the key to Linda's freedom. I continued to question her. Yes, she said, she knows what loneliness feels like- it's isolation, when you think you can't reach anyone, nobody reaches you, you're cut off. You have your own agenda.

'What do you mean by an agenda?' I asked.

'Thinking there's only one solution and God has to give you that or nothing. You have a closed mind. A closed mind is a closed heart and a closed door.'

Now I recognized the reason for the smile which seems always to light Linda's face. I think it must come from her wholehearted acceptance of God's 'agenda'" (162).

 My agenda was Plan A. It was what I demanded from God. It was my one solution to happiness. When almost all of it didn't happen in general or within my time frame, I made Plan B. But God didn't listen to that either. 

 So now I am living Plan C. But I am praying that my Plan C will  simply be God's agenda. I will always write. I will still try to become a published author. God may bless me in the future with a family and many things I desire. But He may not, and I need to be okay with that.

 Though I say this with fear, tears, bitterness, and some anger, (God, please forgive me), in 2017 I want a "wholehearted acceptance of God's agenda". 

What God Has Put Before Me

  

 She posted a photo of a pie today. It looks warm even in the photo- warm and worthy of a cooking magazine. And I wish I could have helped one of my dearest friends on a day I felt so lonely. I wish she could have taught me her pie baking secrets, and then we could have talked and sipped warm drinks while it baked.

 But I'm not there; I'm here, almost one thousand miles away.

 These feelings of wanting to be in a different place are not uncommon for me. Rewind to about six months ago. Instead of paying attention in class, I am writing. The class had sounded interesting when I signed up for it last semester, but now it's just another three credits I need to graduate. The professor drones about a book I haven't read and don't wanted to read, so like most of the other classes, I begin working on my novel to avoid the professor's monologue. 

 But instead, I find myself with an idea for a blog post. I write about how though I am tired of this class, tired of paying attention and bored out of my mind and ready to graduate already, I know someday I will miss it. 

 I know that someday I might be a mom with little children and I will long to be back in a classroom full of adults having educated conversations about literature. I might have a boring job where I won't use my brain and I will miss thinking and writing papers. 

 I just didn't know how soon I would miss that class and that life of college and studying.

  Now, six months later, I have a job where I don't use my brain. Well, at least not in the way I want to use it. I wrap chocolate all day. It's not a bad job. I love almost all of my co-workers and unlike my last job it does not give me mild panic attacks. But I am not writing. I am certainly not using my college degree. And I get bored and miss that "boring" class where I tuned out the professor and doodled on my paper as I brainstormed ideas for my novel.

 But as I'm wrapping chocolate one day, I realize that someday I may want to be back here sitting for eight hours a day wrapping chocolate. I may have kids and I may want to simply sit down in a quiet room and get paid to hear myself think. I may be writing a paper in grad school and tired of the mental stimulation and the deadlines, just like I was six months ago. I may have a writing job and be stuck writing a blog post I could care less about and remember that wrapping room where my hands would fly but my mind was free and I sang along to the radio all day. 

 I am not good at being present. I am always looking backward at what I miss and looking forward to what I hope will be. Right now I don't want to be still dependent on my parents, wrapping chocolate for forty hours a week and far away from my friend. But I need to present. It may not be what I envisioned for my post-college life, but it is what God has given me for right now. And if I am consistent, as soon as I start a new job or leave home, I will miss it. So I am trying to enjoy what God has put before me.

 I am still mourning a pie not baked with one of my dearest friends and the thousand miles that separate us. But I have few good friends here, too. So I ask one of them if she wants to come over this Saturday. She responds with a text that reads, "I would love too! What time, and do you want to bake apple pie?"

 I laugh, then find myself praising the only one who could arrange all this. God has provided another dear friend to bake a pie with. 
And I think for the first time in a while, when my friend and I make apple pies, that I enjoyed being in the present- not looking backward, not looking forward- just rejoicing in what God has before me.

 Though I am not where I want to be, I am where God wants me. It is good because He is good and His plan for me is good. I am thankful this week for his blessing in apple pie and that He never gives up on me. 

  What are you thankful for this week of Thanksgiving?

A Letter to My College Self

 

Dear College Student Me,

    I am writing to you from the other side of college- the graduation, full time job, real life now begins side. And here is what I wish you had known:

 1. College isn't easy, but neither is anything after college.

   We tend to think that whatever hard thing we are currently going through is the hardest thing we will ever face in my life. That is not true. College is hard. It is a hard transition, has unique problems, and awkward times, but so is every stage of life. There will always be another hard thing. 

 2. Do not be afraid to make friends. 

   I know because it is still true of me. You don't want to make too many friends because you partly fear and know that some will leave you and some you will leave at graduation. This is hard. This is still hard. You don't want to get too attached to your campus, new state, and new friends because you know you may be spread out after graduation. But you can't live like that. 

 3. School really matters and really doesn't matter at the same time.

     Those classes you are literally writing stories the whole class period because they are stupid- yeah they are stupid, but maybe you should be paying attention. You can never go back to those classes. You may never get to be a student again, there each day to learn and absorb new information and ideas.   And those classes you are obsessing over, that you have to get an A in, that are either classes in your major where you have to be perfect or those classes where someone said you couldn't do it and now you have to prove them wrong- it's probably not worth it, at least to the point you are stressing over them. 

 4. You will not get what you want. 

    You will not meet a wonderful guy who you will fall in love with and who will later ask you to marry him. So instead of obsessing over wanting and wishing for that guy you will not have, just enjoy the life God has given you. 

 5.  Your education is worth it, but the loans you will have in the future are no laughing matter. 

   I don't regret my college education, but I do have a substantial amount of loans I am just now starting to pay off- more than I ever imagined possible. This isn't to scare you, but more to help you see how important those four years are. (Side note for readers: If you are also currently trying to pay off student loans, Earnest can help by giving you options for refinancing. I have not personally used them, but they look like a good company and I did enjoy reading some blog posts on their website.)* 

 6. Trust in the God who has never left you.

     No year of college will be easy for you. When you remember your junior year you will just see a cloud of darkness. Each other year will have its unique trials, but you will get through them. And it won't be because you are strong or brave or resilient. It will be because God stayed with you and did not leave you. 


 *Earnest did approach me about writing this blog post and promoting their services, however everything I have written is my honest, un-altered personal beliefs and opinions. I have not used their company, but they seem like a good one to check out if you are struggling with loan payments.