The Many Times We Come of Age

There is a literary phrase I can't stand.

 "Coming of age." 

 You will hear it in almost every synopsis of a new Children's or Young Adult book. You will read the phrase when famous authors recommend a new book. They always write, "A {insert adjective} and {insert adjective} coming of age story that is sure to inspire generations of children".

Whether it is about a book or a series of books, the main idea behind a "coming of age story" is that the main character "comes of age". She goes through specific trials that mature her, causing her to think and act more like an adult. This can be on a traumatic level, where a child goes through things that would break even an adult, or on a lighter level where the child or teen learns a valuable lesson and sees the world differently through a more enlightened and mature lens. Essentially, coming of age stories are about  growing up.

 But there is something about this phrase that bothers me more than how cliche it has become in the world of books. 


 Is "coming of age" something that really only happens once in a person's life?

~

If my life was a novel. When would I have had my coming of age story?

You could say I came of age when I was 7 and first saw death, the first time I realized fully and personally that this world is broken and awaits Jesus' return for restoration. 

 Maybe it was the year I turned 12. My best friend moved away, my friend's dad died of a cancer, and my own grandfather died unexpectedly. 

 But it could also be my freshman year of college, the first time I was living on my own one thousand miles away from my family.

 See, I can't pick just one "coming of age" story in my life. And maybe we're not supposed to. Because the older I get, the more I realize that I will keep having "coming of age" moments and times.

 I remember being young and thinking that someday when I was an adult I would just know what to do. I assumed that at a certain age I would suddenly know how to fix a leaky faucet, how to soothe a sobbing baby, and ask the right questions in a job interview. City driving would be easy, I would automatically know what fully cooked salmon should look like, and I would always know exactly what I wanted to do with my life.

 But that's not what happens. I am more unsure about the direction my life will take now than when I was in high school. There is always more for me to learn and there always will be. I will never stop learning, from practical life skills, new situations I find myself in, to God constantly having to mold me to be more like Jesus. Even in heaven we will still be learning!

 I am constantly growing up. 

 So how can a "coming of age story" be just one moment, one lesson, one specific time period in a person's life, whether it's a character or a real person? Even for the people with harder stories who have one moment or event they can pin-point as being life changing and maybe when they "came of age", they must also have had moments and times after struggling, wrestling, and dealing with that specific hard time- moments that also grow them and mature them and help them "come of age". 

 I am always growing, always learning, always changing- hopefully with the Holy Spirit inside of me for the better. I am always coming of age. 7. 12. 18. And now 25. I will always have new discoveries, new struggles, new things God is teaching me. 

 We're always growing up.

That Painful Thing With Feathers

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune, without the words,

And never stops at all.

~Emily Dickinson

 I see a bird with golden feathers. A tiny bird, but she sings as loudly as her small body can. And she is perched on my soul. 

 Tiny golden bird. I think she sang louder than others. Full of hope for the future. Full of possibility and confidence that everything would go right.

 Tiny golden bird. She didn't know about birds of prey. She didn't know sorrow. She couldn't fathom a cage.

 People forget that hope is painful. 

 I find myself in a season of waiting. Before it was waiting for something, waiting for me to decide what to do with my life, waiting for clarity, waiting to know what I want, waiting until I feel ready to move toward something.

 Now I have moved. And I wait for tangible things. Like if I will be able to go back to school.

 And this waiting? Some days, it is easy. But other days I just want to know. Even if it isn't what I want to hear, I want to know if I am going to grad school or if I am saving my money to hopefully go later.  Because at least I will know.

 But the hardest part of this waiting is hope.

 I am waiting on good things. Things that seem like the right direction. Things I know God cares about. Things that I have extensively prayed about. And I am struggling with the tension of wanting to be positive and hopeful that He will answer yes, that He will give me good things, and the reality that these good things may not be part of His plan for me. 

 Please, if you believe that God will always give you your hearts' desires, don't. Don't think that God will give you money, marriage, children, your dream job, a perfect life because you ask Him, because He has promised to answer all of our wishes. That is a lie. Do not believe the prosperity gospel. God is not our genie.

 He has promised to answer our prayers and provide for us. That often is earthly blessings because we serve a good God. But sometimes it isn't. Jesus promised us persecution because we follow Him. Jesus has promised us that He will never leave us or forsake us. And He has promised us to answer prayer, but only the prayer that conforms to His will. He has not promised to send me to grad school.

 But He has promised me life in His name. He has promised to prepare a place for me. The Bible is full of God's promises, the biggest one to send the promised Messiah to free us from our sin. And what more could I ask for or want ultimately? 

 Tiny golden bird. You were never a part of me. You were placed gently inside of me by the hand that rules the world. You were given on the day that I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. 

 This thing with feathers only sweetly sings of the mercy and grace of my Lord Jesus and His saving work on the cross.

 As I wait, I am hopeful. My heart sings of my eternal hope in Christ. I sing my hopes and desires for this earth for I am a child of the King. And I sing with hope and confidence that Jesus will be with me if my waiting is in vain, if my waiting ends with no good thing. He will still be faithful and will be faithful to sustain me. 

"And hope does not put us to shame, because God's 

love has been poured out into our hearts through 

the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

Romans 5:5

"And by faith even Sarah, who was past childbearing 

age, was enabled to bear children because she 

considered him faithful who had made the promise."

Hebrews 11:11

When the Lord Your God Was King

"And when you saw that Nahash the king of the Ammonites 
came against you, you said to me, 'No, but a king shall 
reign over us,' when the Lord your God was king."

1 Samuel 12:12, ESV

 I've begun reading the books of Samuel, and I've been taken back to the first time hearing the story of King Saul. I remember wondering why the Israelite's desire for a king was so bad. It seemed reasonable to me, especially since the judges didn't seem to have any lasting good. Every other nation had a king, so why not Israel? 

 What I didn't see was that God was their king. What need did they have for a king when the Lord was on their side?

What I didn't realize was that their desire to be like the other nations was exactly what God didn't want. They were His chosen people, set apart by Him. Why then would they want to be like other nations and have a king when the very fact that they were different meant their safety and prosperity?

 What I didn't read was 1 Samuel 12:12. When Israel saw the king of the Ammonites coming toward them with his army and were afraid, they did not turn to God. Instead, they begged for a king to lead them into battle. Despite the fact that in all of their years of existence it was the Lord that lead them into battle and gave them their victory. 

...why...when the Lord your God was king?

So Samuel begins to sound like Judges and Exodus and Genesis. The Lord is good and faithful. Israel is stupid and unfaithful. But God chooses to continue to love them. 

 It sounds like other blog posts of mine. The Lord is good and faithful. I am stupid and unfaithful. But God chooses to continue to love me.

 The writer in me says, "A book that keeps recycling the plot over and over again within itself? Not good," not to mention my own blog posts that keep showcasing this theme. 

 But this is good. As I have said before and will say again, just as the people of Israel could not (or would not) remember all of the victories God won for them throughout the Bible, we too cannot remember the faithfulness of our God each day.

 If you tire of reading these words from me, please realize that I keep writing these words because I need to hear them. And I think you do, too. As the author of "Because He Loves Me" writes, the gospel is not just for the unsaved. 

 As my eyes lingered on 1 Samuel 12:12, I began to replace some words with my own idols.

"And when you saw that _______________, you said to me, 'No, __________________,' when the Lord your God was ________."

 When we fill in the verses with our own idols and demands, it makes our hopeless unfaithful hearts even more clear. 

 And when I saw that everyone was married except me, I said, "No, I deserve to be married, too," when Jesus Christ was my beloved. 

 I think the Bible has this repetition of Israel's unfaithfulness contrasted with God's constant faithfulness because it truly happened and to show us our depravity compared to His holiness. And then to point us to Jesus who paid for that depravity on the cross. 

 The Lord my God is king. So though I stumble and wish for an earthly king every day, when I am afraid, I will keep running to my king.

"And Samuel said to the people, 'Do not be afraid; you have done all this evil. Yet do not turn aside from following the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart. And do not turn aside after empty things that cannot profit or deliver, for they are empty. For the Lord will not forsake his people, for his great name's sake, because it has pleased the Lord to make you a people for himself."

1 Samuel 12:20-22, ESV

How God Uses My Brokenness for His Glory

Forty hours a week, you can find me hand wrapping chocolate in foils, tying bows, counting stickers, and packaging sweet chocolate shapes. 

 It's tedious and far away from my dream job or even my college major, but I am thankful. 

 Almost six months ago, my boss asked to see me in his office at the end of the day. Hours later, I fearfully entered his office and closed the door at his request, trying to figure out what I had done wrong and what I would say.

 Instead, he offered me a promotion, a small leadership role in my department. The job was almost exactly the same as what I had been doing before, but I would be the coordinator of the room, making sure products were wrapped on time and acting as liaison between different departments we work with directly. 

 I sat in the chair across from him stunned. Because I am not a leader. I am the one who works behind the scenes. I am the one who forces others to make decisions. I am the one who will avoid confrontation and avoid anything that puts me in the spot light on any level. 

 Yet I now find myself the wrapping coordinator. 

 And I picture God sweetly laughing.

 The position is small, but it has been a stretch for me. Some days it is easy and I forget I am "in charge". Other days I regret saying yes. A few Mondays ago it was one of those regretful days. 

My job is unique in that as long as our hands are busy, we can talk. This is a huge blessing as our tasks can quickly get tedious and boring. But sometimes we can get more caught up in our conversations than our work.

 We can all do this, but I have one coworker who tends to do it more often. She is an easygoing and delightful woman who talks with her hands and I noticed as soon as she started working that she would stop wrapping when she got involved in a conversation.

 But I said nothing. I hoped that as time passed and she learned more about how we do things it would naturally stop. Mostly, I didn't want to tell her. And she did get better. Mostly.

 Which brings me to that one Monday.

 We are working at different tables and I ask this woman about a book she had finished. She summarizes the book for me and as she speaks her chair turns around until she is facing me and not the table where she is working. She is so excited about this book, telling me plot and character details. 

 Then our boss enters the room. And he sees her facing away from her work.

 He says little, but he doesn't have to say anything. I see on his face that though he isn't mad, he is annoyed, and has every right to be.

 When he leaves we silently go back to our work, and shame and horror settles over me. Some might not be bothered by what happened. We all work hard and do our best there, and what does a loss of maybe three minutes at the most matter? 

 But it gnaws at me. As the coordinator, it is my job to make sure things like this don't happen. And today, I failed to do my job.

 I am quiet the rest of the day brooding in my failure. But I can't focus just on this failure. All of my failures come back into my head, parading in front of me and taunting me. I try so hard to be perfect and it never works. 

 And I want to laugh at myself. If I was perfect, Jesus wouldn't have had to die!  This is so simple and stupid. I have accepted the truth of my sin and Christ's payment for my sin since I was four years old. Yet I live my life trying to be perfect.

 Though still sobered by the previous events, I feel peace, and I know what I must do.

 First, I write a quick note to my boss since I write better than I can speak. I apologize for what happened, tell him that it was my fault, and that I will try my best to not let it happen again. I slip it onto his desk with other papers.

Then I stay late to talk to this woman when everyone else has gone. 

 "I have been avoiding telling you something for a while," I begin carefully. 

 She listens, and I try to gently explain how easily she can lose focus and stop wrapping.

 And she is gracious, agreeing that she does that and even tells me to just give her a look the next time that happens. I have been stupidly avoiding this conversation for months for no reason. We talk about it more. We even talk about my leadership position and how I never wanted to be in charge of anything. 

 Then I see an opening and sense a push. 

 "But this leadership role has been good for me," I say.

 "How so?" she asks. Her eyes find mine. 

 "This job has helped me see that I try to live my life perfectly. I try to hide my flaws from the world. But in this job, I mess up all the time in tangible ways people outside of my family can see. And it is so stupid since the foundation of my faith is that I am not perfect and I'm a sinner, so Jesus died on the cross for my sin."

 We don't linger on the subject, but this is the most I have ever been able to share the gospel with her. All because I messed up. 

 And this is how God uses my brokenness for His glory.

My Beginning // Counting His Faithfulness Part 1

Sometimes, when life hurts, when it doesn't feel like God is faithful, when the words, "God is good" have become a chant I repeat to myself with no heart change, I think it is good to go back to all of the times in my life that God has proven Himself faithful to me. 



My beginning

 I remember being four years old and listening to a CD of children's Bible songs while my mom was on the phone. The words I heard were simple and sweet, singing, "...come into my heart, Lord Jesus. Come in, today. Come in to stay..." I sang along and realized that is what I wanted for my life. I wanted Jesus to come into my heart. I wanted Him in my life. So I knelt by our sofa and asked Jesus to come into my heart, and my mom cried when I told her what I had done.

 Many believers will share testimonies of how they said a prayer when they were young but did not truly become a Christian until later in their life when they truly understood the gospel. But that is not my story. I knew I was a sinner who deserved the wrath of a holy God. I knew that Jesus died on the cross for my sin. And I knew I needed and wanted Jesus. I praise God that He saved me- not through any merit of my own, but through His mercy and the blood of Jesus.

 When I was in eighth grade, a friend challenged me to get baptized as I had been a professing believer for quite a while. But I was terrified. At my church, baptism also includes publicly sharing my testimony in front of the whole church-  one of my greatest fears. I told my friend no, that I could never do it. But over the next few months my pastor seemed to mention baptism in every sermon. It came up in the most random conversations. I couldn't escape the subject. Then in school I learned about Chinese believers being persecuted for their faith. Many of them were being baptized despite the threat of death that was sure to come with the simple act of being immersed in water. This wasn't something that had happened a long time ago, but a tragedy that was happening right now as I discarded the thought of baptism because of my fear of public speaking. If my brothers and sisters in Christ were risking their lives to be baptized, how could I not be baptized where I would not be killed, tortured, or imprisoned afterword? So in May of 2008, I was baptized and shared my testimony as my body ached from fear, my voice shakily whispered through the microphone, and my eyes glued to the words on my paper. My God was faithful and I did it, but only through the work of the Holy Spirit inside of me.

 This is my beginning, the first few times I can distinctly remember God's faithfulness to me. And it is only my beginning.

How He Destroys the Darkness

The sun has been leaving earlier, lately. Every day the darkness pushes back a few minutes of sunlit evenings.

 It will creep up on us, slowly stealing more time from the sun until one day I will leave work in darkness, headlights on, the eight hours of daylight spent inside working, eyes on my work but my heart and skin and fingers being pulled to the little sunshine visible in our one window. 

 Darkness creeps near me, tonight, an unwanted companion. 

 I feel him hiding in a corner under my bed.

 I only have one weapon against the darkness, when even the light in my room can't possibly be bright enough.

I reach for my Bible, covered in gray fabric with a flowered pattern in white. The bookmark is in Exodus 39 and 40, and I force myself to read this holy book.

 "From the blue and purple and scarlet yarns they made finely woven garments, for ministering in the Holy Place. They made the holy garments for Aaron, as the Lord had commanded Moses (Exodus 39:1) ...They also made bells of pure gold, and put the bells between the pomegranates all around the hem of the robe, between the pomegranates- a bell and a pomegranate, a bell and a pomegranate around the hem of the robe for ministering, as the Lord had commanded Moses" (Exodus 39:25-26). 

But what do the priest's garments have to do with me? The bells and pomegranates on the hem? The colors of the clothes? What do they have to do with the darkness that is slowly consuming me, this pain I feel over life's circumstances, this feeling of hopelessness?

 This book is hope and life itself. He died for me. He gives me hope. He gives me life. But instructions for making the priest's clothes? 

Exodus chapter forty. "The Lord spoke to Moses, saying, 'On the first day of the first month you shall erect the tabernacle of the tent of meeting. And you shall put in it the ark of the testimony, and you shall screen the ark with the veil" (1-3).

What on earth do these words have to with my pain?

And the darkness doesn't go away, but it stays, abated by my question being voiced. 

I keep reading, keep searching, one eye on the words on the page, the other on the shadow the darkness makes as it moves closer to me.

"Then the cloud covered the tent of meeting, and the glory of the Lord filled the tabernacle. And Moses was not able to enter the tent of meeting because the cloud settled on it, and the glory of the Lord filled the tabernacle. Throughout all their journeys, whenever the cloud was taken up from over the tabernacle, the people of Israel would set out. But if the cloud was not taken up, then they did not set out until till the day that it was taken up. For the cloud of the Lord was on the tabernacle by day, and fire was in it by night, in the sight of all the house of Israel throughout all their journeys" (Exodus 40: 34-38). 

 The tent of meeting was where God met with His people. This took place after they made a golden calf and worshiped it. After God had saved them from their slavery to the Egyptians. After God had parted the Red Sea. After God plagued the Egyptians with afflictions. 

 "...and the glory of the Lord filled the tabernacle...in the sight of all the house of Israel throughout all their journeys..."

Oh darkness, it is me.     

Darkness, do you see God's holy light next to the blackness of us? 

 He loved us enough to send his son to die. He loved us enough to be particular about clothes. He loved us enough to be creative and demand bells and pomegranates of gold on the hems. He loved us enough to not abandon us even though He was and is the Almighty God who is so holy the priest's robes must be made a certain way, with gold bells and pomegranates dangling from Aaron's hems.

And the darkness recoils by my bed. In my soul. 

Darkness has no place in the tent of meeting.

This is how He destroys the darkness, a little corner each day. 

Caught In-Between the Yes and the No

The dirt road underneath my shoes feels better than pavement. The birds singing and squirrels chattering sounds better than car horns.  

 How many walks will I take before I have the answers I want?

 A brook bubbles, and the water looks cool and the sun on my back is hot. I could take off my socks and shoes and dip my toes in, make them shiver in the water the sun has yet to warm. I could sit on a rock and wade my feet and no one would care if I did. Or I could keep walking.

 I could pause my walk and get my feet wet- something that requires no permission and has no consequences and would require no thought. I could just go wading or not go wading as I pleased. 

 But most decisions are not as simple as stopping by a peaceful stream.

 A familiar dirt road, a familiar brook, a familiar longing to test the temperature of the water, and familiar questions I want answered. Still. 

I never realized before how much I crave simple yes or no answers to the many decisions I have to make in life. 

 But like this road, I have been here before. Caught in-between the yes and the no, what I want and don't want, what God may do but has not promised me. 

 The waiting when you just want to know whether you should take a step forward or backward.

 In my Bible reading, I have reached Exodus again, a time where Israel was waiting for God to act. And in God's perfect timing, my church is now going through Exodus as well. 

 In the beginning of Exodus, the Israelites are all enslaved by Egypt. They fear God has forgotten them. But God calls a man named Moses to deliver his people from slavery and lead them to the land He has promised them. They have been given hope and they are beyond excited and ready to leave their oppression. So in Exodus chapter five, Moses goes to Egypt and confronts Pharaoh, telling him that God has commanded him to let His people go. 

 And instead of agreeing, instead of being scared of the signs Moses does with God's power, Pharaoh laughs, saying he does not know God. Then he makes life even harder for the people of Israel, and they grumble against Moses and this God of theirs who will not save them.

 I know what comes next. I know the plagues God will send to the Egyptians, all examples of His power. Though tragic, I know that God will show His authority to all of Egypt by causing all of their firstborn to die. I know that God will save the firstborns of His people Israel because of the blood of a lamb painted on their doors. I know that is a beautiful picture of Jesus' sacrificial death for us on the cross, something far beyond what the Israelites could have imagined or hoped. I know that God will humiliate Pharaoh and the Egyptians. I know God will part the Red Sea and lead His people to safety and eventually to the land He promised them. 

 I know all of these things. But the people of Israel did not. They were caught in-between the yes and the no, in-between what God had promised to do and what He hadn't done yet. 

 I think they were tired. I think they wanted to know whether they could hope, if God was going to deliver them from their enemies, if they could start packing, or if they should curl up and die in Egypt as slaves. 

 I think they felt like how I feel now walking this dirt road. 

 I am not enslaved. I am happy and free. But this dirt road has seen my confusion, my desire for a yes or no, how badly I handle being caught in-between the yes and the no.

 If I could go back into the time of Exodus, I would tell the Israelites, "Be patient. I know this is hard right now, but it is part of God's huge, amazing plan. Just wait until you see what He does."

 And the trees above me shake from the wind, like they are lovingly laughing and scolding me. So I tell myself, "Be patient. This is hard right now, but it is part of God's huge, amazing plan for my life. Just wait and see what He does, for He has never been unfaithful."

 It may take a long time or a short time, but eventually I will get a yes or a no. And either way, God will be good and faithful to me, the one who put my Jesus on a tree. 

"Say therefore to the people of Israel, 'I am the LORD, and I will bring you out from under the burdens of the Egyptians, and I will deliver you from slavery to them, and I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and with great acts of judgment. I will take you to be my people, and I will be your God, and you shall know that I am the LORD your God, who has brought you out from under the burdens of the Egyptians. I will bring you into the land that I swore to give to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob. I will give it to you for possession. I am the LORD.'"

~ Exodus 6:6-8, ESV

When My Weakness is My Strength

 ~First written while in Medellin, 

Colombia as a dispatch to our church back home~

One thought that has continually come to my mind this week in Colombia has been my weakness.

 I feel weak walking around a foreign city with traffic and busyness. I feel weak when our leaders rightly demand that women stay in the middle of the group when on the streets so the men can surround us for protection. I feel weak watching the men skillfully build things out of wood then hoist sheets of flooring up to the mezzanine. I feel weak having to ask people what a specific tool looks like. I feel weak not being able to communicate with my brothers and sisters in Christ at the seminary and the church, staring at them blankly, not sure what they are trying to tell me. I feel weak as I try to cross the street without being run over by motorcycles in a city that doesn't seem to have or obey traffic lights.

 So this morning, when I was asked to help some of our Colombian brothers and sisters to prepare our mid-morning snack, I was excited. Finally there was something I could do that I would be good at, and I could feel strong again! They put me to work squeezing tangerines as big as our oranges back home to make the most amazing juice I have ever tasted. But even in that task I didn't know what I was doing. One man, probably after watching me struggle, showed me where to properly cut the fruit, the motions my hands should make, and even how to tell if the fruit was bad (all impressively without words). He put his hands over mine, twisting the fruit to squeeze out the juice, and in that moment I realized something very simple: from construction work, to the language barrier, and even squeezing tangerines, I am clueless and weak.

 There are many things I cannot do here because I am physically weak and unskilled, and that is exactly how I am before God. I am nothing compared to Him. But 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "...My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."  God uses our weaknesses, my weaknesses, for His glory.

 So yes, I will sweep. Yes, I will collect bottles. Yes, I will hammer this nail thirty times into the wood despite the fact that any guy here could do it with two strikes. Maybe simply because God is seen in my weakness, and in my weakness I am forced to rely on Him.

Questions Not For Today

 What am I doing?

 The question comes suddenly as I think of a specific situation in my life that I would describe as crazy, scary, and wonderful all with the same breath. It is a situation that like many others has the potential for something indescribably wonderful or painful. 

 And I go back and forth between thinking it will be all wonderful or all painful. 

 So what am I doing? 

 For this new year I chose Surrender as my word. Last year it was Joy. Joy in all circumstances. Joy because God has blessed me richly and far more abundantly than I could have imagined simply because Jesus died for me. This year I want to focus on surrendering my life to God. Surrendering all of my hopes and desires and fears to Him. Surrendering what I thought my life should look like. 

 So surrender has been my theme, and going into this year I knew exactly what I would be surrendering to Him. I wasn't happy about it, but at least it was familiar, like the same chore you hate doing but at least you know what has to be done. 

 But this strange situation I find myself in has taken me by surprise, something I wasn't prepared to deal with, let alone surrender. I don't know how to do this. 

 So I take a walk down a dirt road and hide myself as far away from people as I can. And I pace up and down that dirt road asking God so many questions:

 What if...?
 What happens when...?
 How can I...?
 Should I...?

 But as I am praying and voicing my fears to God, I have this thought: these are not questions for today. Tomorrow, maybe. Definitely for the future. But not today. They are questions and fears I must surrender. Both the "what if it works?" and the "what if it doesn't?" Only God knows the answers, and right now they are not answers He is giving. So right now they are not questions I should be asking. 

 I don't want to live my life in fear. I want to live my life in the present, while sometimes looking back at the faithfulness of God and sometimes looking forward to how God will be faithful in the future. Because sometimes I get so caught up in the questions that can't be answered today that I forget these things:

1. He will hold me fast. 

 I will make mistakes. But I am God's child and no one will be able to snatch me out of my Father's hands. 

"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are one."

John 10:27-30, ESV

2. I can't know everything right now.

 I like plans. I like knowing what is going to happen in the end, whether it is the book I am currently reading or my life. But my life is not a book where I can skip pages. So I must take everything one day at a time and not fear the future. 

3. God knows everything right now. 

 When I pray and ask God my hard and painful questions, I like to imagine them floating up into His hands. God is holding my questions, so to speak. I can trust God with my fears and questions. My fears He will dissolve and my questions He will hold until the right time when He will give me the answers. 

 So my fears about my unanswered questions and situation are useless. I must surrender them to Him, because they are not questions for today. And I will wait to see what happens. Even if it just a painful lesson or experience, He is using my strange situation, many fears, and unanswered questions to draw me closer to Him. 

Passover Musings

There is a mountain that is my life. It twists and turns, goes up and down. Sometimes I reach a flat area and can see the path far ahead of me. Usually I can only see the next rock where my foot must go, each step God telling me to just trust Him.

 As I've been pondering the first Passover these last two weeks, I think the Israelites felt the same way.

 They had just watched God hurl down on Egypt many plagues of gnats, frogs, boils, and darkness. They must have been in awe of what God was doing to their enemies and maybe the deliverance they felt was coming. 

 But Pharaoh still wouldn't let them go. And there was this last terrible plague that they would not necessarily escape from. The eldest son of each house was going to die. Unless. Unless for four days each house brought a spotless male lamb into their house, then killed it, ate it, and painted its blood across their doorways. 

 Why would God kill innocent children? Why was their only hope an innocent lamb?

 They didn't know. They couldn't know. They only had their instructions. So they took the lambs into their homes. Precious, sweet lambs that they fed and cared for and the children carried in their arms. The same lamb their father slaughtered and the children were required to eat. 

 Those children could not see the good in the death of that lamb.

 I cannot see the good in many things in my life- hills that turn into mountains, bends that turn into long detours with no sunshine.

 I feel their pain. I feel the knife of God bringing people into my life who I love to just take them away from me. What good is there in that? What good is there in a slaughtered lamb that was brought into their house as a pet to be killed a few days later?

 But the oldest son did not die. Suddenly the slaughtering of the lamb was necessary and good. Their son, their brother, lived. They understood the reason for their previous pain.

 And unlike those children, unlike the Israelites, I can see God's overarching plan. I can see how the innocent lamb who died in the place of the oldest son was a picture of Jesus who would many years later die an innocent death for our sins. For my sins. 

 I do not know what God is doing with my pain and my life right now. I wonder how it can be good. But I am faithful that He is working for my good. I know that someday in heaven I will see everything as good and necessary. 

I Will Love

I'm thinking about many things. Things difficult to name and describe.

 I'm thinking of love as I read Ann Voskamp's The Broken Way. How it is when we are broken that we can fully experience God's love for us and also fully loves others.

 Dirty trays pile up at work when I've already done more than my fair share. How much do I give? Do I wash their trays to love my co-workers, or do I love them by not letting them get away with laziness? What if washing their trays is the only act of kindness they will receive, today? 

 I am more aware of my brokenness these days than I have been in a while. I can feel my dreams fleeing, desires dying. There are things that I wanted but now only half want. There are things I desire that I can't have. What do you do when your life suddenly feels drained of purpose?

 I guess that's when God begins to pour His purpose in your soul.

 Ann Voskamp says we don't truly love something until we give it up. The Bible says that. It is in that most famous and cliche verse John 3:16: "For God so loved the world He gave His only begotten son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life."

 It is the good kind of cliche. The cliche that says we must never forget. 

 I'm still thinking of love. Thinking of the love I have for all of my friends miles away. Thinking of a love I hope to have for a special man someday. Thinking of the love I have for all of the children I have looked after. Thinking of the love I have for my family near and far. But mostly I'm thinking of Jesus' love for His people- a love so strong, so pure, that He was willing to die. God made flesh, made to struggle with us on earth, and then made to die a horrible death. For unrequited, undeserved love. 

 So I've decided to keep washing trays, and not just my own.

 I've decided to sing along even to country music, even if my heart does not feel like singing.

 I've decided to love others even when I feel unloved. 

 I've decided to love my uncertain future full of dead dreams.

 I've decided to love because He loves me. 

Nothing Gold Can Stay: The Joy After Sorrow

Sometimes life hits you, without warning, like a blizzard in March.

 There is grass. There is mild, winter weather, and the birds singing of spring. 

 And then there is cold, below zero temperatures, snow piling faster than you can shovel, and winds blowing snow and making it impossible to see in any direction around you.

 Sometimes, life is like that. 

 Sometimes things come so suddenly, so fiercely, so strongly, that you wonder how they could possibly stay. Like beautiful, spring weather during a New England March. 

 So I pray every morning and every night, "God, thank you for this gift you have given me today. And if I must, I pray You will give me the strength to let go and give it back to You."

 How did I know to pray that? Was it the speed in which "the gift" was given, the fear of it being taken away, or the Holy Spirit gently preparing me?

 Reader, He took the gift away as quickly as He gave it to me. 

 As my favorite poet says, "Nothing gold can stay."

 But there is something they don't tell you about blizzards- when the sun comes out again, it reflects off of all the fresh snow, and the sun, if possible, is even more glorious. 

 Nothing Gold Can Stay

by Robert Frost

Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leafs' a flower,

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay. 

 They tell you life is hard, but you always hope you will be the exception, that you will miss the blizzard. 

 I didn't know the strange joy that comes after sorrow, the brighter sun after a blizzard that only Jesus can bring. 

Nothing gold can stay. 

At least nothing except Jesus' promises.

Dear 2016 // Living Plan "C" and God's Agenda

Dear 2016,

 You have been a strange year.

  I started you feeling nervous about upcoming changes, but hopeful. I completed my last semester of college, gave a thirty minute presentation on the awkward topic of emotional porn, and graduated.

 I moved back home, started a retail job that gave me what must have been mild panic attacks, and drove to Michigan via Canada with my dad to take my sister back to school.

 Thankfully God provided an escape from retail, and I started my first full time job working at a chocolate factory. The week before Christmas I also discovered what it was like to work overtime and clocked in 48 hours (the verdict is hopefully never again).

 2016, you haven't been bad, just hard. It was hard to finish college strong. The night before my presentation was spent trying to convince myself that I would not die standing in front of thirty people talking about sex and pornography and not having a heart attack during the presentation. My graduation was simply a blur of goodbyes to beloved friends, professors, and places. During my retail job I experienced the feeling of utter hopelessness. I had to say goodbye to my sister for three months. It was and still has been a struggle to adjust to working full time at a job I am not naturally gifted in nor ever wanted (temporarily or permanently). And though I love my parents it has also been an adjustment to live at home again after being so independent during four years of college.

 This is not a pitty party, 2016, just facts. Ever since graduation I have felt like I have been living Plan C. 

 Plan A: Graduate with a B.A. in Creative Writing (check), marry an amazing young man summer or fall 2016 (un-check), get a cool writing job with a Christian non-profit or publishing company (nope), get short stories and articles published in magazines and literary journals as well as have my blogs explode with traffic (those things haven't happened either), finish my first novel and in the years to come have it published followed by contracts for more novels until I die (You get the pattern. Didn't happen), eventually have some kids (clearly won't happen).

 Plan B: Graduate with a B.A. in Creative Writing (check), be fully content with my singleness and embrace that freedom and gift and devote my life to helping other single women (ha), live in Michigan and get an apartment with a good friend(s) (nope), get a cool writing job with a Christian non-profit or publishing company (no), get short stories and articles published in magazines and literary journals as well as have my blogs explode with traffic (yeah, no), finish my first novel and in the years to come have it published followed by contracts for more novels until I die (no), somehow be an influential single person in the Christian writing world without having to do public speaking engagements (hey, I can dream).

 Plan C: Graduate with a B.A. in Creative Writing (already happened so good start to plan), live at home because I have no other option (check), work at a chocolate factory because I cannot be idle and have upcoming loan payments (check), every once in a while force myself to write even though I am worn out from working because I WILL finish my novel even if it takes me ten years (check), search for writing jobs in Michigan because even though every day I am here it gets harder to leave, I still want independence (check). 

 The only thing that has gone according to my plan is graduating from college and convincing my sister to also go to the same college, which quickly backfired as we are in different states again.

 You did bring some wonderful things, 2016, that I can't forget. I made new friends, after four years of hard work I graduated from college, I survived my crazy presentation (though I'm still not sure how), I was able to be in a dear friend's wedding, I had many hiking adventures with my dad, a saw a favorite band in concert, I finally finished reading through the entire Bible, I got to touch the top of Whiteface Mountain, and God taught me many lessons about joy and contentment. 

 However at night I think about my Plan C that I am currently living and can't help feel depressed, ashamed, and often angry at God despite the good times. I didn't want Plan C. I didn't even want Plan B.  

 But God wants Plan C. I don't know why, but the fact that I am currently living it means he wants it for me. He may even change Plan C. I have a hunch that despite how much I hate it, I may be living Plan Z at the end of my life. 

 But my Plan C or Plan Z are his Plan A. 

 In 2017, I want my agenda to die. Though my flesh fights me, I want my plans to be God's plans. 

 The last book I read in your year, 2016, was "Finding Your Way Through Loneliness" by Elisabeth Elliot, and I fell in love with the following section.

 "A bright young woman and I were eating lamb sandwiches. I asked her if she is lonely. 

'Lonely? Why should I be?'

'You're single. Most of the single people I know talk about being lonely.'

With a look of surprise and then a laugh she said, 'Oh no. You see, I have a sense of expectancy every day. What does the Lord want to do with me today? I have no agenda of my own.'

No agenda of my own. There is the key to Linda's freedom. I continued to question her. Yes, she said, she knows what loneliness feels like- it's isolation, when you think you can't reach anyone, nobody reaches you, you're cut off. You have your own agenda.

'What do you mean by an agenda?' I asked.

'Thinking there's only one solution and God has to give you that or nothing. You have a closed mind. A closed mind is a closed heart and a closed door.'

Now I recognized the reason for the smile which seems always to light Linda's face. I think it must come from her wholehearted acceptance of God's 'agenda'" (162).

 My agenda was Plan A. It was what I demanded from God. It was my one solution to happiness. When almost all of it didn't happen in general or within my time frame, I made Plan B. But God didn't listen to that either. 

 So now I am living Plan C. But I am praying that my Plan C will  simply be God's agenda. I will always write. I will still try to become a published author. God may bless me in the future with a family and many things I desire. But He may not, and I need to be okay with that.

 Though I say this with fear, tears, bitterness, and some anger, (God, please forgive me), in 2017 I want a "wholehearted acceptance of God's agenda". 

I Am Not Enough

Lately, I have been feeling inadequate. 

 I'm a college graduate who, so far, has not been able to find a job that suits my level of education or what I studied for the last four years. 

 I am a writer who has never had a story published and who will probably be still working on her first novel for the next five years.

 I am single young woman who has never been asked out on a date. Did I mention I was 22?

 At work I was told I need to be faster at my job, and despite every effort and skipping breaks, I have still been told I need to get faster because the busy season is coming soon.



  Lately, I've been feeling like I am not enough.

  I am not smart enough.
  Not creative enough.
  Not strong enough.
  Not pretty enough.
  Not fast enough.
  Not good enough.

  I am not enough. 

 People are quick to build me up when I feel this way, but while it is helpful in the moment, their encouragement never lasts because the truth remains; I am not enough. 

 Many Christians, even, fall into this belief that we need to lift our spirits by remembering God's love for us. 
 "God loves you," they say. That is true. 
 "He loves you so much he died for you." Also true.
 "Because you are worth it," they end. And not true.

 I was not worth it. I am a dirty, rotten sinner. If God had never looked at me, at all of humanity again after Adam and Eve sinned, He would have had every right. We have rebelled against the GOD, the KING, the CREATOR of the universe who gave us breath and a beautiful garden with animals and Himself and just told us to not eat from the one tree. I say "us" because we all would have done the same thing in Adam and Eve's place. One tree was forbidden, and we ate. One prideful feeling. One look of jealousy. One cry as a baby for milk that turned into anger when we did not receive food at the time we thought was proper. 

 So you're telling me that I was worth the death of God's Son, the most perfect and beautiful man who walked the earth? No, my worth is in the fact that Jesus chose to love me, not because I deserved it, but because it is what He chose to do. 

 Some of you are thinking about how when God created Adam and Eve He looked at them and said it was good. You are remembering how God has made us in His own image. You know that though we do sin we also were intricately designed and we have made beautiful paintings, sculptures, books, cities, and technology. But again, those are all things that God made us to be or has given us the ability to do. We need Him for every breath. Yes, our bodies, our minds, the things we can do, create, and say are amazing, and I think we should celebrate that, but it is God that allows those things to happen, and it just points us back to Him. Without Him we are nothing. Without Him we are not enough. 

 I am not enough. And recently, I've been feeling it.

 I will never be pretty enough.
 Never strong enough.
 Never fast enough.
 Never good enough, whether it is my writing, my relationships, or my job.

 But through Jesus who died for me, I am enough. Praise the Lord. Only through Him may I boast.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you,

for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

2 Corinthians 12:9, ESV

I Need Thee Every Hour

 

 Some things are hard to write about.

 Like how I feel that changes are happening to me too fast, but at the same time too slow. I want everything to slow down and speed up at the same time.

 How I wish I knew where I will be this fall, to have security in a plan.

 How I feel like I am not sure how I arrived sitting in this rocking chair typing these words.

 How lately the times that I have felt happy have also felt like I am only avoiding a certain upcoming doom. I can be happy and smile only as long as I am distracted and not letting myself think about my job or my future.

 But what doom? What is there to fear?

 The atmosphere at my work is often not pleasant. Every day I do something wrong. Every day I learn something new that I should have been taught a month ago. The lady I usually work with demands that I do things in a time frame that is usually impossible. They talk about their employees behind their backs, and I wonder what they say about me when I am not there.

 But my life is not in danger and I am getting paid. So why this paralyzing fear when I wake up and realize that I am working today? Why do I find myself hyperventilating in the shower like I am about to give a speech? I just want the fog that circles me to go away. 

 I can't explain my irrational fear of my job, a fear that has lasted too long. I don't know how long it will last or how long I will have this job. I don't know why God has chosen for me to be in this situation with so many unanswered questions. 

 All I know is that I have never prayed so much in my entire life. It is the first thing I do in the morning, before I am even out of bed. It is what I am focused on in the shower instead of thinking of stories or random thoughts. I pray as I get ready for work. I pray during any spare seconds at work. I pray during my break. I pray in the car. I pray on my walks. Because though I have always needed Jesus, now I feel that need like I did when I first started college completely alone and one thousand miles away from home.

 Now, back at home four years later, I still need Him, and He has not stopped showing me that.

 He did not forsake me on the cross. He did not leave me four years ago as a freshman, or any of the hard times throughout college. So why would He leave me now?

 Oh me of little faith.

7 Things I Am Thankful For This Christmas

I know it's past Thanksgiving, but I often need to remind myself of all that I have to be thankful for, so here are seven reasons why I should be joyful during this holiday season.

 1. I am thankful that I am able to be home for Christmas with my family in my favorite state.

 2. I am thankful that I have people in Michigan that make it hard to leave.

 3. I am thankful for all of the cooking and baking that will take place during this week.

 4. I am thankful that this crazy semester is over and that my mind is now free to wander and daydream without being reminded of all the homework I have to do.

5. I am thankful for all of the opportunities God gave me over the last few months, including a wonderful internship and an independent study where I was able to write 51 pages of my novel.

 6. I can't honestly say yet that I am thankful for a certain hardship in my life that only seems to get worse whenever I think it is finally managable, but I am thankful for all that God is teaching me through that and that He is bringing me closer to Him.

 7. Most of all, I am thankful that Jesus humbled Himself and came to earth as a baby in order to die for our sins on the cross. I am thankful that it is not about me and what I have and don't have this Christmas, whether it is presents under the tree, my gpa, or that one thing in my life I desperetly want. It is all about Christ and his birth as a baby and his death and ressurection on the cross. 

When Dreams Die

Life isn't always wonderful.

Life isn't like a Disney movie where we know after a grand adventure the villain will be killed or banished and everyone will live happily ever after.

No matter what Cinderella says, our dreams will not come true just because we believe in them.

A dream of mine just died.

Actually, it has been dying. It was a slow, painful death that I only made worse by still holding onto it as it began to decay.

Eventually, I had to let it go.

First, I was mad at God. How could He let this dream die?

Then I was mad at Cinderella. How can you sweetly sing, "No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true"?

Then I was mad with myself. How could I have let this dream become bigger than my love for my Savior?

Dreams die.

But at my lowest point after my internal tantrum was done, after I fully acknowledged the death of my dream, as I sat in my chair numb, all I could hear was the Holy Spirit whispering, "Come to me."

Have any of your dreams died?

How did God meet you in that situation?

When My Care is Spread Thin

 

This semester, I am a good busy. I have so much to do, but it is all good.

 British Literature.

 Exploring graphic novels for the first time.

 An amazing and educational internship.

 An independent study designed to help me write my novel.

 A last Gen-Ed class.

 Wonderful roommates.

 The book of Jeremiah to read. 

 Prayers to be lifted to God.

 An apartment to keep clean.

 A kitchen waiting for culinary discoveries.

 An amazing church family.

 My sister living on campus.

 My parents back home.

 Friends at school.

 Friends at home.

 Friends spread out through various states and colleges.

 A thesis project to begin.

 Tutoring at the Writing Center.

 For some, this would be a quiet life. But for me it is insanely busy to the point where sometimes I want to give up and drop off the face of the earth.

 I do not handle busy well. It's just who I am. But the hardest part is that I would rather do five things to the best of my ability than ten things poorly.

 My care is being spread thin, and I hate it.

 I hate skimming through books I honestly want to read but have no time for.

 I hate turning in a paper that I know could have been better.

 I hate hardly ever using my kitchen.

 I fear that I am losing frienships from not having the time to connect.

 Instead of doing a few things well it feels like I am doing a lot of things terribly. I have so many classes and people to love and devote my time to. It feels like trying to completely cover a slice of bread with a very small pat of butter- hopeless, discouraging, and spread thin. 

 Wouldn't it be better to get a smaller peice of bread or wait until there is more butter? How can this busyness be good?

 Though it seems bad, this busyness is good. It comes from God. Maybe it is not the gift that I wanted, but it builds my character, molding me more into His likeness.

When my care is spread thin...

 1. It forces me to rely more on God.
    
     God has taught me a lot in college, but one reoccuring lesson is that I cannot do life on my own. Even though I have more to do than I ever have before, I have to stop and spend time with God. Without that, I cannot function. In fact because of the chaos around me, I come to Him more than I would if I wasn't busy. Busyness shatters the allusion that I can do life on my own without God.

2. It makes me find joy in the busyness. 

     There are things in my life that I am discontent with right now. There are things that I want to happen that aren't. I have big life decisions to make when I graduate. But being busy helps me not to worry about the future or dwell on what is wrong. It forces me to live in the now as I go to each new task.

3. It humbles me.

      I made the goal this past summer to get awesome grades my senior year so as to raise my GPA. It will be like my last hurrah as I am not planning to go to graduate school. But I may be seeing more B's than I had originally hoped, and that is something I need to live with.

4. It prepares me.

      Maybe in the future I will be blessed with children. Motherhood is perhaps the most busy and demanding job in the world, and maybe this busy season in my life is preparing me for that on a small level. Or maybe I will be blessed with a wonderful but taxing job. No matter what the future holds, I am sure to have other busy seasons in my life, and I am learning how handle them now.