When God Told Me I was Happy

"Why didn't you tell me I was happy?"

 One of my more modern favorite TV shows is Monk. If you have never seen it, Adrian Monk is a former police detective who lost his badge due to his grief over his wife's' murder combined with his extreme case of OCD and many phobias. He then becomes a private detective that works for the police with two goals in life: to get reinstated and solve the case of his wife's murder.

 In the episode that I recently watched, Monk gets reinstated. He is the happiest man in the world going to his office and pulling out his old uniform because he finally got what he wanted. Except it's different. There is new technology. He has to work on a team. He has to do the annoying jobs instead of only picking the cases he wants. At one point in the episode Monk is sitting in his therapists' office complaining about he wishes his life could go back to what it was before he was reinstated. And he turns to his therapist and says, "Why didn't you tell me I was happy?"

 I have strange fears. One is the fear that I will never have what I truly long for--the secret wishes I make in the dark. Another is that I will someday have all that I have ever desired. I am afraid it will not be all that I imagined it to be. I am afraid that like Monk I will achieve my dream and only long for what I had. I am afraid, like Rapunzel, that my dream will not be what I longed for.

 God, why didn't You tell me I was happy? 

 I did.

 When?

 When I chose you before the foundation of the world. When I formed you in your mother's womb. When I sent my son to die for you. When you asked me to come into your heart. When your sister was born. When you realized I wanted you to share my gospel through your writing. When your parents told you officially you could go away to school. When you realized all alone in Michigan on a strange campus that I was all you had. When you read in my Word about the joy and happiness I bring. Every day that has passed that I have stayed by your side.

 Since when did my happiness become something I have to feel to know it is real?

 Since when did things have to be going my way for me to be happy?

 Someday God will give me all that I desire. All I desire is Him, and He is with me now and will be with me fully when I die and go to heaven. So unlike Rapunzel I don't need a new dream. And unlike Monk I don't have to wish my life was the way it had been before.

 My Savior and my God is my old and new dream. He is my happiness even when I don't feel happy. He died to bring me joy when I don't feel the joy of Him.

Distracted by Creativity

                                                                                

 Job applications need my attention. 

 I have homework due tonight.

 But shatters of a poem flash into my head.

My sister and I are cooking dinner..

A thank you note needs to be written.

But the discovery of new music distracts. 

Thousands of words, colors,

Swirling, demanding my focus,

Commanding my thoughts.

God wants me to be productive.

God wants me to delight.

To be Mary or Martha is a choice I often make.

But I think He will allow a stolen moment

to focus my camera lens on a flower,

to scribble flashes of a poem,

to marvel at my reflection and see Him

chasing the butterflies He made,

creating unique and complex personalities.

This distraction permeates my soul.

It is how He helps me 

be distracted by Him.

Announcing "An Abundant Singleness"

 A while ago I shared how I felt like God was calling me to start a blog about singleness. Well, I am excited to announce my new blog An Abundant Singleness! This blog has been on my heart for a long time, and I am thankful that God has brought me to the place where it has become a reality.

 When I was first debating the thought of doing this and praying about it, the one thought that kept coming into my head was, "What if I get a boyfriend?" Stupid, of course, since there is no guy in my life, but that possibility is always in the back of my mind. "If a guy suddenly entered my life how could I have a blog about singleness?" My solution was that if it miraculously happened I could always drop the blog as he would be more important.

 But then I realized how much that revealed my soul. I was so quick to push aside the blog, something I think God is clearly telling me to do, for something I only desire that is clearly not on God's agenda right now.

 And then my next thought was "Snap, now I have to do this." This is something God has made clear in my life and so I must act upon it despite my fear, despite my desire to not be in this situation.

 So please check out An Abundant Singleness and feel free to share any ideas you have with me. I hope you find it encouraging.