The College Years // Counting His Faithfulness

Sometimes, when life hurts, when it doesn't feel like God 

is faithful, when the words, "God is good" have become a 

chant I repeat to myself with no heart change, I think it is 

good to go back to all the times in my life when God has 

proven Himself faithful to me.

 The College Years

  God's mercies to me during this time were abundant. I know I won't have time to highlight every way God was kind and faithful to me. But maybe that's the point.

 1. He let me go to college.

  Even in my junior year of high school I knew what school I wanted to attend and what my major I would pick. But this small, private school in Michigan was expensive. Like most students, I waited to see if I would be accepted. I waited even longer to find out if we could afford it. It wasn't until a little before I graduated from high school that I knew I was going to college.

 The bottom line was that we couldn't afford college. But between both of my parents working, their sacrifices, my summer job, some financial aid, and loans, they thought it would work. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed for my school to see how much help I needed and what a good student I was and promise to give me more money. I prayed for my essay to win one of the big scholarships I entered. I prayed for God to hurl money down from the sky. None of those things happened. 

 Each year, and sometimes each semester, I didn't know if there would be enough money to go back to school. But somehow, small miracle after small miracle, there was just enough for me to go to school. Though God didn't give me my big miracle, He was faithful and provided a way for me to go to college and graduate.

2. He showed me that Christ was all I needed. 

 1,000 miles is a large distance. And I didn't realize just how large until I found myself on campus with strange people, two new roommates, a dorm full of girls, and my family quickly driving farther and farther away from me. 

  I wanted so much to belong, for my roommates to like me as much as I liked them, to do well in school, and to be an adult for the first time and not fail. But I was also scared and regretted choosing this school far from home. I didn't feel like I could do it.

 It felt like I had been stripped of everything I loved. But with that feeling came the realization that I had Jesus. In ways I had never experienced before, Jesus was my comfort, my hope, and my security. When I felt like I had nothing, God showed me I had everything in His Son. 

3. He provided me with amazing roommates and friends.

 One of my biggest prayers before and during college were that God would give me good roommates. My mom has horror stories about her freshman roommate, and I didn't want to experience what she did. Even before I met my freshman roommates, I wanted to best friends with them. And when I met them, I loved them instantly, just because they were the girls God had placed in my room. God was kind and let us all be good friends. We had our struggles, our misunderstandings, and hard times, but we got through them. I couldn't have asked for better roommates. I have funny stories; no horror stories. I may cringe when I hear a song my roommate used as an alarm she never heard, but that is all. 

 Even through all four years of college, I was blessed with the girls I lived with and the friends I made.

4. My singleness.

  This is a hard subject, one that I am reluctant to thank God for and something that is still a real struggle in my life. But I am thankful for how God used my singleness in college.

 I am one of those girls that has wanted to be married and raise children as soon as my brain was able to grasp those concepts. Except for my writing dreams, marriage and children were all I ever wanted. And I all I want now. During high school none of my friends were dating and I recognized how young I was, so I was content to wait and daydream about my future family and what I would name my kids.

 But the day I started college something changed in me. I now considered myself "officially" old enough to date and I lived on a campus full of eligible Christian young men who probably wanted to get married, too. So I figured it was only a matter of time before I met a wonderful, godly guy who liked me as much as liked him, we would start dating, and then get married in June after I graduated, just like my mom. 

 However, God had other plans. Each year of college ended with no boyfriend. Freshman. Sophomore. Junior. Senior. 19. 20. 21. 22. No boyfriend. No dates. To make things worse, the entire campus had marriage fever. Everyone around me was going on dates, new relationships popped up all around my dorm, and young freshman couples were getting married. Even my friends all seemed to have boyfriends. My roommate got engaged. It was happening to everyone but me. I graduated and sadly watched the month of June pass, though I never would have admitted to anyone what was so sad about the June I was 22.

 Enter God teaching me a lot of things during those four years of college throughout my singleness, like trusting in Him alone, surrender, joy, contentment, and how I can plan all I want, but it is God's plans that prevail. My singleness shows me my weakness, my desperate need for Jesus, and the idol I have made into marriage.

 I never wanted singleness. In fact, I ask God all the time to take it away. But until then, and even if it never happens, I can only praise my Savior for His faithfulness to me and discover how I can use my singleness. 

5. I found an amazing church.

 I would not have survived college without the church I attended in Michigan. That is no exaggeration. It was the only place I felt a little bit at home those first few weeks of school. It was a gospel centered place of worship that allowed me to escape from campus a few hours each week. It was full of people my age and older that cared about me. 

 I especially plugged more into my church my junior year. Though each year of college had it's own struggles, that year was the hardest. When I remember that year, I see a dark fog settled over and around all the things that happened, and my church was the only light. Again, I am not exaggerating. I knew the truth of the gospel that would bring me out of my circumstances, but I needed my church to remind me of those truths. Starting that year, due to many friends leaving and graduating, I had few close friends on campus. All of my friends were at my church.  

 I have much to praise God for in my past. Therefore, my present and my future are and will be no exception. Praise be! 

Dear 2016 // Living Plan "C" and God's Agenda

Dear 2016,

 You have been a strange year.

  I started you feeling nervous about upcoming changes, but hopeful. I completed my last semester of college, gave a thirty minute presentation on the awkward topic of emotional porn, and graduated.

 I moved back home, started a retail job that gave me what must have been mild panic attacks, and drove to Michigan via Canada with my dad to take my sister back to school.

 Thankfully God provided an escape from retail, and I started my first full time job working at a chocolate factory. The week before Christmas I also discovered what it was like to work overtime and clocked in 48 hours (the verdict is hopefully never again).

 2016, you haven't been bad, just hard. It was hard to finish college strong. The night before my presentation was spent trying to convince myself that I would not die standing in front of thirty people talking about sex and pornography and not having a heart attack during the presentation. My graduation was simply a blur of goodbyes to beloved friends, professors, and places. During my retail job I experienced the feeling of utter hopelessness. I had to say goodbye to my sister for three months. It was and still has been a struggle to adjust to working full time at a job I am not naturally gifted in nor ever wanted (temporarily or permanently). And though I love my parents it has also been an adjustment to live at home again after being so independent during four years of college.

 This is not a pitty party, 2016, just facts. Ever since graduation I have felt like I have been living Plan C. 

 Plan A: Graduate with a B.A. in Creative Writing (check), marry an amazing young man summer or fall 2016 (un-check), get a cool writing job with a Christian non-profit or publishing company (nope), get short stories and articles published in magazines and literary journals as well as have my blogs explode with traffic (those things haven't happened either), finish my first novel and in the years to come have it published followed by contracts for more novels until I die (You get the pattern. Didn't happen), eventually have some kids (clearly won't happen).

 Plan B: Graduate with a B.A. in Creative Writing (check), be fully content with my singleness and embrace that freedom and gift and devote my life to helping other single women (ha), live in Michigan and get an apartment with a good friend(s) (nope), get a cool writing job with a Christian non-profit or publishing company (no), get short stories and articles published in magazines and literary journals as well as have my blogs explode with traffic (yeah, no), finish my first novel and in the years to come have it published followed by contracts for more novels until I die (no), somehow be an influential single person in the Christian writing world without having to do public speaking engagements (hey, I can dream).

 Plan C: Graduate with a B.A. in Creative Writing (already happened so good start to plan), live at home because I have no other option (check), work at a chocolate factory because I cannot be idle and have upcoming loan payments (check), every once in a while force myself to write even though I am worn out from working because I WILL finish my novel even if it takes me ten years (check), search for writing jobs in Michigan because even though every day I am here it gets harder to leave, I still want independence (check). 

 The only thing that has gone according to my plan is graduating from college and convincing my sister to also go to the same college, which quickly backfired as we are in different states again.

 You did bring some wonderful things, 2016, that I can't forget. I made new friends, after four years of hard work I graduated from college, I survived my crazy presentation (though I'm still not sure how), I was able to be in a dear friend's wedding, I had many hiking adventures with my dad, a saw a favorite band in concert, I finally finished reading through the entire Bible, I got to touch the top of Whiteface Mountain, and God taught me many lessons about joy and contentment. 

 However at night I think about my Plan C that I am currently living and can't help feel depressed, ashamed, and often angry at God despite the good times. I didn't want Plan C. I didn't even want Plan B.  

 But God wants Plan C. I don't know why, but the fact that I am currently living it means he wants it for me. He may even change Plan C. I have a hunch that despite how much I hate it, I may be living Plan Z at the end of my life. 

 But my Plan C or Plan Z are his Plan A. 

 In 2017, I want my agenda to die. Though my flesh fights me, I want my plans to be God's plans. 

 The last book I read in your year, 2016, was "Finding Your Way Through Loneliness" by Elisabeth Elliot, and I fell in love with the following section.

 "A bright young woman and I were eating lamb sandwiches. I asked her if she is lonely. 

'Lonely? Why should I be?'

'You're single. Most of the single people I know talk about being lonely.'

With a look of surprise and then a laugh she said, 'Oh no. You see, I have a sense of expectancy every day. What does the Lord want to do with me today? I have no agenda of my own.'

No agenda of my own. There is the key to Linda's freedom. I continued to question her. Yes, she said, she knows what loneliness feels like- it's isolation, when you think you can't reach anyone, nobody reaches you, you're cut off. You have your own agenda.

'What do you mean by an agenda?' I asked.

'Thinking there's only one solution and God has to give you that or nothing. You have a closed mind. A closed mind is a closed heart and a closed door.'

Now I recognized the reason for the smile which seems always to light Linda's face. I think it must come from her wholehearted acceptance of God's 'agenda'" (162).

 My agenda was Plan A. It was what I demanded from God. It was my one solution to happiness. When almost all of it didn't happen in general or within my time frame, I made Plan B. But God didn't listen to that either. 

 So now I am living Plan C. But I am praying that my Plan C will  simply be God's agenda. I will always write. I will still try to become a published author. God may bless me in the future with a family and many things I desire. But He may not, and I need to be okay with that.

 Though I say this with fear, tears, bitterness, and some anger, (God, please forgive me), in 2017 I want a "wholehearted acceptance of God's agenda". 

Announcing "An Abundant Singleness"

 A while ago I shared how I felt like God was calling me to start a blog about singleness. Well, I am excited to announce my new blog An Abundant Singleness! This blog has been on my heart for a long time, and I am thankful that God has brought me to the place where it has become a reality.

 When I was first debating the thought of doing this and praying about it, the one thought that kept coming into my head was, "What if I get a boyfriend?" Stupid, of course, since there is no guy in my life, but that possibility is always in the back of my mind. "If a guy suddenly entered my life how could I have a blog about singleness?" My solution was that if it miraculously happened I could always drop the blog as he would be more important.

 But then I realized how much that revealed my soul. I was so quick to push aside the blog, something I think God is clearly telling me to do, for something I only desire that is clearly not on God's agenda right now.

 And then my next thought was "Snap, now I have to do this." This is something God has made clear in my life and so I must act upon it despite my fear, despite my desire to not be in this situation.

 So please check out An Abundant Singleness and feel free to share any ideas you have with me. I hope you find it encouraging.

Frightening Truth

 I had an idea the other day.

 No, let me rephrase that. I had a reoccurring thought, but for the first time it made sense in my head, and for the first time I realized that I could follow it and should follow it.

 But I am scared.

 This idea is a website, a blog, for single Christian girls. A community where we could encourage each other, a tangible reminder that we are not alone, a place to share the truth of the gospel within the context of the situation we find ourselves in. Really, what I have been searching for and imagine others like me are searching for, too.

 But I am scared.

 Scared because I do not seem equipped for this. Scared that it will not actually reach my sisters in Christ. Scared to admit my deepest desire. But mostly scared because I find myself single. Still. When I wanted to be very not single in a Christian culture that celebrates marriage, living on a campus where many are married before they graduate. So not only am I single, but I have believed the lies that because marriage does not even seem like a possibility after graduation, I am a failure and it is too late for me to ever be married.

And now I am considering proclaiming it to the world.

 But I must share the truth with others and myself.

 I am 21 years old. I am single.I am a failure, but not because no man has ever liked me enough to pursue me. Rather, I am a failure because I am a sinner. But I have a Savior who loves me so much that He died for me, and through Him I can claim to be a child of God- the exact opposite of failure. I trust in a God that only has what is best for me. So I am a 21 year old single who is reaching out to other singles. And I will not lose hope because only God knows what my future is, and even if it never involves marriage, I will someday spend eternity with God in heaven- my GREATEST desire.

 So what are your thoughts? Would you be interested in a blog devoted to living the single, Christian life? What would benefit you as you navigate this journey called singleness?

Book Review: Who Has Your Heart?

Synopsis

 Who Has Your Heart? by Emily Ryan is a book

written for single women on how to practically live a

godly life, using the story of Jephtha's daughter

in Judges 11. Jephtha vows to God that the first thing to come out of his house when he returns from war will be given to God as a burnt sacrifice. Sadly, the first to greet him is his daughter. Taking the point of view that Jephtha's daughter's sacrifice is figurative (remaining a virgin her entire life) Emily Ryan uses this young woman's journey as an example for how single women should live their life.

What I Liked

I loved Emily Ryan's honesty. I loved how she desribes
the story of Ruth in the Bible. "...Not to sound bitter, but I haven't even had one chance at love and marriage, and this lady gets two!" (29). Because though Ruth has a beautiful story that points us to Christ, our kinsman redeemer, I have often felt the same way. Also, I loved her honesty in the personal story she shared about her sister marrying before her.


 Finally, I loved her conversational writing style. I felt like she was an older sister talking to me, sharing her story, and trying to help me with mine. Not preachy, but loving. Not judging, but accepting.

What I Didn't Like

Emily Ryan says in her book that as a single woman, she was looking for a role modal in the Bible, but everyone was married, except Jephtha's daughter, so she became Emily Ryan's inspiration. But my question is what about Jesus? Isn't Jesus our standard, our perfect example, and our Savior? Why did she pick Jephtha's daughter who is mentioned in only one chapter of Judges when she could have picked Jesus, the theme of the entire Bible? I understand the desire for a female Biblical role model, which is probably the reason why Emily Ryan chose Jephtha's daughter, but Jesus made us and died for us. I think he is more than capable of understanding women. Jesus also remained single for his entire life, making Him in my mind the perfect role modal for a single woman and anything else in my life I will face.


  Also, the book goes through Jephtha's daughter's story, each verse and aspect of her character how single women should live their lives. I agree with the principles Emily Ryan is teaching and did learn from them, but felt that it was a huge stretch relating it so closely to Jephtha's daughter's story. For example, the Bible says in Judges 11:34, "Then Jephthah came to his home at Mizpah. And behold, his daughter came out to meet him with tambourines and dances" (ESV). Emily Ryan notes that "Jephtha's daughter knew her identity. She was a tambourine player. And because she knew who she was, she also knew what she was to do" (50). This is referring to the fact that as Jephtha's daughter was a tambourine player and therefore played the tambourine, we need to know who we are (single) and know what we are supposed to do instead of chasing after things that are not ours to do. A good lesson, but one that was lost on me because of the somewhat corny message taken from one verse in the Bible that may or may not have been its' purpose.

Conclusion

 In conclusion, Who Has Your Heart? was a good read and not a bad or un-biblical book. I have no regrets reading it and was encouraged to know that my thoughts are not that different from other single girls. But I would recommend choosing another book about singleness if that is a topic you are searching for. There are many other books about singleness that I have found to be more worth my time that I hope to share with you in the future!