Whatever Comes Next

 "I don't know where I'm going to be in four months," I confessed to my friend. "I don't know what state I'll be in, where I will live, where I will work."

 "Wow," she said. "If I were you I would be freaking out right now."

 She meant it as a compliment, but I couldn't accept it because the truth is I am freaking out.

 In another conversation with a friend, she shared with me some bad things in her life that happened unexpectedly and how through that she was shown how much she wants control over her life- control that only belongs to God.

 I am the same way. I had a plan, a blueprint for God to follow, and though he deviated from it in some areas, things seemed like they were beginning to get back on track when I began college. Until God showed me in many different ways that He doesn't follow my plan.

 "So what's your plan?" a lady asked me after I told her I was a senior.

 "The plan is to get a plan," I said.

 She laughed and commiserated with me, but I kept coming back to that conversation later, and I realized that a lot of the fear I have about after I graduate is from not having a plan.

 See, in four months I don't know where I will be. And that was not part of the plan. A huge part of the plan was that I would always know the plan. I would always know where I was headed, what I would do, and where I would be. I would be in control.

 I love how in a friend's application essay she used the phrase "whatever comes next" to describe post graduation.

 Whatever comes next. 

 I don't know what that will be. But God does.

 Four months from now I could be living at home again. I could be on my own in Michigan. Though it seems very unlikely, I could be living in a totally new state. I don't know what will happen. And I am scared.

 But God already knows what comes next.

 I am scared of living at home again. I am scared of living on my own. I am scared simply of the unknown. I am scared of every option.

 But God has always known what will come next.

 So this is my plan: Trust God, search different options, and trust the God who created you, called you, saved you, died for you, has always provided for you, will never leave you nor forsake you. 

 Here's to whatever comes next. I await the adventure knowing that He is with me.

Help My Unbelief

This is what I wish trusting God was like:

  "Cross that bridge my child."

   "But it's so high."

   "Trust me."

   "But what if I fall?" 

   "I won't let you fall."

  So I trust Him and cross the bridge.

 Instead, I have found it's more like this:

  I take a step. "God, I can't do this."

 "Yes, you can, because I am with you."

  "Are you sure?"

 "Yes."

 I take a small step, then look down. "I'm going to fall!"

 "No, I will catch you."

 "Okay, I trust You."

 I take another step and the wind  jostles me and I cry out, "God, don't leave me!"

 And He says, "I have never left."

 So I take a step. Gaining confidence I then say, "Actually, God, I'm good. You can go help some other person. I have this covered and I don't need You." 

Until I fall and He catches me, starting the cycle all over again.

 I either don't trust Him or only trust in myself.

 Lord, help me learn how to trust You. Please let me not only believe and know You are trustworthy but help me live it out in my life. Help my unbelief. 

Christmas 2015

  What a wonderful Christmas it was this year celebrating the birth of our Savior Jesus! The past few Christmases I have intentionally avoided taking pictures to be more in the moment during the holiday, but this year I wanted pictures to remember it in future years.

  For dessert my mom made chocolate cupcakes, I made chocolate chip mint cookies, and my sister made no bake cookies only using sunbutter to replace peanut butter because of her allergy.

  It is tradition for my sister and I to get a new ornament every year, always signifying something important about the year. Above is my 2015 ornament. On the back my mom wrote "51 pages" because that is how many pages of my novel I wrote this semester for my independent study. I was so excited to not only meet my goal of 50 pages, but exceed it! My mom asked me how I was going to reward myself, and I didn't know how, especially in the middle of finals. But I think this ornament is perfect. 

  When I think back on this Christmas, it is in flashes. It is the chocolate chips I intentionally loaded into the cookie dough falling out as I try to scoop them onto the cookie sheet. It is Nana telling me about all of the writers on both sides of my family. It is listening to my dad read the story of Jesus' birth in Luke. It is being crowded in our small kitchen with my mom. It is hearing my sister squeal after opening the present I gave her. It is the uncertainty I feel about my future, but the hope I have all because a baby boy who was fully God and fully man came to earth to humble Himself and die.