A Chain // Lock Down Day #11

A crane for every

day of

lock down.

A folding,

shaping, creasing, 

of paper

and 

fear.

One for each day

trapped in our

cozy hideaways.

A teal crane

for day one,

hearing the order

on the radio,

the endless rabble of words

when only a few 

would do.

An ombre crane 

instead of 

getting lost in my thoughts

as I try to write.

Three cranes in one day

after a 

triumphant

assignment sent.

A coral crane

with words written

on her wings as

a prayer to God

of surrender.

A blue crane

to put

in a letter.

And at the end

I'll have a chain-

a chain of cranes

to hang

in my room

and remember

beautiful things

will come 

of

this.

Some Coronavirus Thoughts

It has been almost a year since I have last written.

I didn't intend to take a break. Life got busy at work and as I started grad school and tried to adjust to my new schedule.

But I am hoping to be back.

And since we have all been mostly confined to our homes as we practice social distancing to stay healthy and safe from the coronavirus, I thought now would be a good time to come back and add my own thoughts to the chaos. 

So a few thoughts and reminders for myself...

1. This is getting chaotic. All of the news and social media platforms can't stop talking about it. My friends and co-workers can't talk about anything else. I join in despite the fact that I want to talk about anything but Covid-19. But I remind myself that in the chaos, God knew this was coming all along. Before the foundation of the world, He knew! And I can rest in His sovereignty and love and provision.

2. This is hard. I have heard people wonder if the Covid-19 pandemic will be our World War 2, and I don't think that is a fair comparison. Self quarantining and the potential for losing our jobs does not equal war. But this is still hard. It is an unknown none of us have ever faced. It isn't easy to be forced to stay at home. My trip to Oxford this summer was cancelled. I already miss my friends and church family. Though I work at an essential business, I wonder how this might effect the business long term. This season of life will call for extra grace for ourselves and others.

3. When the Coronavirus first exploded in  China, I prayed that the virus would not spread. But I also prayed for the protection of our brothers and sisters in Christ, that God would enable them to be unafraid and that they would stand as examples to unbelievers and they would lead many to Christ. Now, I pray the same for us, that we will be noticed as people who are unafraid and firm in our faith and they will know we are Christians by our love. That God will use Covid-19 to further the gospel.

4. Remember those of us who are single. I am fortunate to be living at home during this time, so I am not completely isolated. But many single people live alone and they do not have families to watch movies with, to spend quality time with, to share meals with and to wonder whether or not they should brave the grocery store. It is only them for the foreseeable future. So please don't forget the single people not snuggling with family on the couch.

5. Remember the elderly. Many of them are also alone and are at high risk. Their families probably can't visit to make sure they stay safe.

6. This is not about me. It is easy to be focused on how unsettling these changes are for me, how I am having a hard time focusing on my school work since I can't study at the library, how I can't travel, how I miss worshiping on Sundays, how I'm worried about my friends who are out of work, how I'm not sure where I will get the books I need for school. Instead, I pray that I will focus on my relationship with Christ and the needs of others.

"Is This It?" by Rachel Jones // Book Review

 "Is this it?" Rachel Jones asks in her new book with the same title. 

 It is the same question my heart has been asking for what feels like a long time.

 Is this it? 

 Did I really get my Bachelor of Arts to work in a chocolate factory?

 Does the fact I am 25 and living at home make me a failure as much as I feel it does?

 Will I be "the single friend" who watched every friend of hers get asked out, get engaged, get married, and have children while I remain where I am? Single and alone and childless? 

 Is this it? This feeling that I should always be somewhere I am not, that I am failing at adulting?

 Will I ever make enough money to truly be independent?

 Will I always work forty hours per week at a job I'm not passionate about?

 "I'm looking for a book to get you for your birthday," my mom said. "How about this one?"

 I read the description of the book, saw the avocado on the front.

 "It doesn't seem like all of it would apply to you, though."


 "No," I said. "I want this book." (Not because of the avocado). 

 I needed this book. 

 Especially since graduating from college, those thoughts have been circling. And I don't think I'm alone.

 I was suddenly a college graduate. Opportunities I was told would come my way don't. But still, there are so many different jobs I could apply for, different states I could live in, different places I could go, different things I could be. 

 There are too many choices that I don't want. Not enough of the options I do want. 

 So I begin adult life like a baby bird simply dropping out of the nest. I don't hit the ground. At least not every time. But I'm not really flying either. And I think so many of us in our twenties are feeling this way.

 I wish this book had existed earlier. Because what Rachel Jones does in her book is take all of those circling emotions and anxieties and addresses them in two ways. First, she applies the gospel to them. Shows us how Jesus is more important. What the gospel says to each situation and feeling. She speaks truth into our lives. Then she takes that truth and breaks it down into simple and practical application.

 To that feeling of rootlessness, of not having our own place, Rachel writes: "The priority now is to 'go and proclaim the kingdom of God' (Luke 9 v 60). This is wonderfully liberating. It means that it doesn't matter if you haven't bought a house. It doesn't matter if you never buy a house. You haven't failed at life. Being a citizen of the kingdom of God- and telling others about its King and showing others the love of its King- is what matters. And flexible, no-strings-attached lifestyle brings certain advantages to that end" (52).

 To singleness she says, "Being single now is like missing the three-minute trailer for an epic film that you're going to end up seeing the whole three hours of anyway" (138). For marriage only points us to our relationship with Christ, a relationship we do have that is eternally secure. 

 To being paralyzed by decisions to be made: "Life in Christ frees us to take risks. The Christian answer to the question 'What if I do this thing and then it doesn't work out or I don't like it?' is, 'Well, if you do, and then it doesn't or you don't, you'll still be alive with Christ.'"

 There have been critiques on this book. Ultimately it is praised for its gospel centered focus, but older Christians have said Rachel Jones only relies on her own experiences for the contents of the books and that she is dramatizing what is now called the "Quarter Life Crises".  To which my response is 1) Rachel Jones never claims her book is not based on experience. What else would it be based on? And every experience she shares and wisdom she imparts is backed up by and focused on scripture.  2) If we can't have a Quarter Life Crises then they can't have a Mid- Life Crises. Seriously. All snarkiness aside. Both stages of life are hard transitions. Both require Jesus. And sometimes, more than sometimes, a little bit of appropriate drama is okay and necessary. 

 I needed this book. And if you are twenty something or in your early thirties, you might need this book, too. If you feel lost and hopeless and like you are loosing in the adulting world (or know people who are feeling this way), please read this book.

 "And being a Christian ought to turn our expectations of adulting on their head. If we're following Christ, life's big adventure is not climbing the career ladder or meeting milestones- it's about becoming 'mature and complete' in our faith. So the measure of whether we're adulting right is not whether we've got our own place with a pet, but whether our character looks like Christ's. That's what 'maturity' means- becoming like Jesus, the most courageous, compassionate, convictional, kind grown-up of all time. How do we grow in that maturuty? Through trials" (13).  

Painting and Children and Joy // Colombia 2019

 Friends, I had the privilege of going to Medellin, Colombia again with my church!

 While our pastor was teaching the students, the rest of us stayed at the seminary (who also graciously hosted us) and did a lot of repair work, painting, and renovations. This time I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to take a more active role in the work we were doing. Two years ago I wasn't sure what to do and everything I did do required someone taking time away from their own task to teach me. But this trip I was able to help more with sanding and painting- jobs that still required instruction but that I could then do confidently on my own. So it was fun to feel like I was actually helpful.

 Above is a picture of the courtyard where I mostly worked. This is the finished project after we scraped off the finish, repaired parts of the wall with stucco, then painted. 

 But the highlight of my week was Wednesday. We went to a town about an hour and a half out of Medellin called El Carmen de Viboral. 

 After a few hours of walking around the cute town we met with a little church. It was such a pleasure and an encouragement to get to know them and hear how they came to faith. Before our mini church service, we all sat in a big circle with an interpreter and shared some of our stories. I happened to sit next to a woman a few years older than me. Our conversation never got beyond our names, ages, and work, but I discovered she was also single. 

 It is such a small thing really. But to have the one woman I connected with in Colombia this trip be a Christian single woman like me- it warmed my soul.

 And there was the children. Beautiful children with curly hair, wide smiles, and those large, dark eyes. What I love about children is that it doesn't matter what language they speak. I know what it means when she takes my hand and leads me around the small place they meet for church. I know how to play superheros with a little boy even though we speak different languages. 

 Just a few hours before this picture someone asked me what I was really hoping to do in Colombia. I told them I just wanted to go to a school or an orphanage or daycare and play and love on the kids. How kind and faithful God is!

 And underneath all of this, as we studied Philippians as a team, as we learned how much the Philippians were being persecuted, how the book itself is maybe the happiest book of the Bible despite their circumstances, I looked at my own life. Away from my home and country and workplace and everything familiar, I took an honest look at my life. How my circumstances control how I feel every day.

 My pastor said this to us one night:

"If we embrace Paul's outlook in Philippians, 

we'll have his joy. And Paul cares more 

about the gospel than his situation."

  I have always struggled with joy in all circumstances. I have been praying for joy since college. A joy that transcends my circumstances and flows from my hope in Christ. And this joy comes from loving Christ and His gospel more than anything else. A joy I saw in the tiny church we visited where the believers there already have strong evangelistic goals. 

 So this has become my prayer. That as life happens, good and bad, I will be ever more focused on Jesus, on what He did for me on the cross, and sharing that message with others.

The Many Times We Come of Age

There is a literary phrase I can't stand.

 "Coming of age." 

 You will hear it in almost every synopsis of a new Children's or Young Adult book. You will read the phrase when famous authors recommend a new book. They always write, "A {insert adjective} and {insert adjective} coming of age story that is sure to inspire generations of children".

Whether it is about a book or a series of books, the main idea behind a "coming of age story" is that the main character "comes of age". She goes through specific trials that mature her, causing her to think and act more like an adult. This can be on a traumatic level, where a child goes through things that would break even an adult, or on a lighter level where the child or teen learns a valuable lesson and sees the world differently through a more enlightened and mature lens. Essentially, coming of age stories are about  growing up.

 But there is something about this phrase that bothers me more than how cliche it has become in the world of books. 


 Is "coming of age" something that really only happens once in a person's life?

~

If my life was a novel. When would I have had my coming of age story?

You could say I came of age when I was 7 and first saw death, the first time I realized fully and personally that this world is broken and awaits Jesus' return for restoration. 

 Maybe it was the year I turned 12. My best friend moved away, my friend's dad died of a cancer, and my own grandfather died unexpectedly. 

 But it could also be my freshman year of college, the first time I was living on my own one thousand miles away from my family.

 See, I can't pick just one "coming of age" story in my life. And maybe we're not supposed to. Because the older I get, the more I realize that I will keep having "coming of age" moments and times.

 I remember being young and thinking that someday when I was an adult I would just know what to do. I assumed that at a certain age I would suddenly know how to fix a leaky faucet, how to soothe a sobbing baby, and ask the right questions in a job interview. City driving would be easy, I would automatically know what fully cooked salmon should look like, and I would always know exactly what I wanted to do with my life.

 But that's not what happens. I am more unsure about the direction my life will take now than when I was in high school. There is always more for me to learn and there always will be. I will never stop learning, from practical life skills, new situations I find myself in, to God constantly having to mold me to be more like Jesus. Even in heaven we will still be learning!

 I am constantly growing up. 

 So how can a "coming of age story" be just one moment, one lesson, one specific time period in a person's life, whether it's a character or a real person? Even for the people with harder stories who have one moment or event they can pin-point as being life changing and maybe when they "came of age", they must also have had moments and times after struggling, wrestling, and dealing with that specific hard time- moments that also grow them and mature them and help them "come of age". 

 I am always growing, always learning, always changing- hopefully with the Holy Spirit inside of me for the better. I am always coming of age. 7. 12. 18. And now 25. I will always have new discoveries, new struggles, new things God is teaching me. 

 We're always growing up.

New Favorite Things // January 2019

I once read about a "Favorite Things" party in a magazine. Every year around the holidays some women got together to celebrate. It was always before or after the Thanksgiving and Christmas rush since they were so busy and had family obligations. But they set aside a specific time each year to celebrate the season with each other and share a new favorite thing.

 It could be a book they had discovered and loved. It could be a recipe. It could be a new lotion or product that revolutionized their life. Whatever it was, they would be one for each of their friends, sharing the story of why it became a new favorite thing. 

 So until I have my own place and can have a "Favorite Things" party of my own, here are some of my new favorite things.


 New books!

 Just some of the new books I am looking forward to reading in the next few months.

* "This Elegant Ruin" by Erin Bartels

* "The Gospel Comes with a House Key" by Rosaria Butterfield

* "When Helping Hurts: How to Alleviate Poverty Without Hurting the Poor...and Yourself" by Steve Corbett and Brian Fikkert

* "The Biggest Story: How the Snake Crusher Brings Us Back to The Garden" by Kevin DeYoung

* "My Brigadista Year" by Katherine Patterson (not pictured)


 Soy sauce and vinegar

  For New Year's Day I made dumplings- well, I tried. The dipping sauce included 1/4 cup of soy sauce, 1/4 cup of rice vinegar, 1 teaspoon of sesame oil, and pepper flakes. 
 I've always loved soy sauce and vinegar separately, but putting them together has opened up an entire new world that I hope to visit many more times!

 Sushi
  I love Japan. I love the way sushi looks. And I've always wanted to be a "cool" person that ate sushi. But raw fish!  However, the other day I tried some. Not only did I not die, but it tasted good. Good as in I could have had another one. What????


Newly Discovered Music!
 * "Birdsong" by Kina Grannis
 * "With You" by GAWVI, and his entire album called PANORAMA
 * "Native Tongue" by Switchfoot
 * "Isaac" by Hollyn


Studio Ghibli

   It started with the movie "Kiki's Delivery Service". Then I watched "Howl's Moving Castle", and now I want to watch all of their movies. They are unique and funny and interesting and usually have a Japanese feel to them.

That Painful Thing With Feathers

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune, without the words,

And never stops at all.

~Emily Dickinson

 I see a bird with golden feathers. A tiny bird, but she sings as loudly as her small body can. And she is perched on my soul. 

 Tiny golden bird. I think she sang louder than others. Full of hope for the future. Full of possibility and confidence that everything would go right.

 Tiny golden bird. She didn't know about birds of prey. She didn't know sorrow. She couldn't fathom a cage.

 People forget that hope is painful. 

 I find myself in a season of waiting. Before it was waiting for something, waiting for me to decide what to do with my life, waiting for clarity, waiting to know what I want, waiting until I feel ready to move toward something.

 Now I have moved. And I wait for tangible things. Like if I will be able to go back to school.

 And this waiting? Some days, it is easy. But other days I just want to know. Even if it isn't what I want to hear, I want to know if I am going to grad school or if I am saving my money to hopefully go later.  Because at least I will know.

 But the hardest part of this waiting is hope.

 I am waiting on good things. Things that seem like the right direction. Things I know God cares about. Things that I have extensively prayed about. And I am struggling with the tension of wanting to be positive and hopeful that He will answer yes, that He will give me good things, and the reality that these good things may not be part of His plan for me. 

 Please, if you believe that God will always give you your hearts' desires, don't. Don't think that God will give you money, marriage, children, your dream job, a perfect life because you ask Him, because He has promised to answer all of our wishes. That is a lie. Do not believe the prosperity gospel. God is not our genie.

 He has promised to answer our prayers and provide for us. That often is earthly blessings because we serve a good God. But sometimes it isn't. Jesus promised us persecution because we follow Him. Jesus has promised us that He will never leave us or forsake us. And He has promised us to answer prayer, but only the prayer that conforms to His will. He has not promised to send me to grad school.

 But He has promised me life in His name. He has promised to prepare a place for me. The Bible is full of God's promises, the biggest one to send the promised Messiah to free us from our sin. And what more could I ask for or want ultimately? 

 Tiny golden bird. You were never a part of me. You were placed gently inside of me by the hand that rules the world. You were given on the day that I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. 

 This thing with feathers only sweetly sings of the mercy and grace of my Lord Jesus and His saving work on the cross.

 As I wait, I am hopeful. My heart sings of my eternal hope in Christ. I sing my hopes and desires for this earth for I am a child of the King. And I sing with hope and confidence that Jesus will be with me if my waiting is in vain, if my waiting ends with no good thing. He will still be faithful and will be faithful to sustain me. 

"And hope does not put us to shame, because God's 

love has been poured out into our hearts through 

the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

Romans 5:5

"And by faith even Sarah, who was past childbearing 

age, was enabled to bear children because she 

considered him faithful who had made the promise."

Hebrews 11:11

Top 10 Books of 2018

 Of the 62 books I read this year, here's my top ten out of fiction and then non fiction, since it's too hard to pick only ten! These are the books that challenged me the most, that had the most unique stories, had the most meaning, and the ones written like magic. They are the ones I will recommend again and again and that I hope to re-read in the future. 

Top 10 Fiction



10. "Anna Karenina" by Leo Tolstoy

9. "A Long Walk to Water" by Linda Sue Park

8. "Louis Undercover" by Fanny Britt

7.  "No Graven Image" by Elisabeth Elliot

6. "September of Shiraz" by Dalia Sofer 

5. "Shanghai Girls" by Lisa See

4. "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" by Betty Smith

3. "The End We Start From" by Megan Hunter

2. "Fruit of the Drunken Tree" by Ingrid Rojas Contreras 

1. "Homegoing" by Yaa Gyasi


Top 10 Non Fiction

Honorable Mention: "The Soul Winner" by Charles Spurgeon


10. "True Beauty" by Carolyn Mahaney and Nicole Mahaney Whitacre  

9. "Evangelism" by J. Mack Stiles

8. "Through Gates of Splendor" by Elisabeth Elliot

7. "End of the Spear" by Steve Saint

6. "The Best We Could Do" by Thi Bui

5. "These Strange Ashes" by Elisabeth Elliot

4. "When I Don't Desire God" by John Piper

3. "Hearts of Fire: Eight Women in the Underground Church and Their Stories of Costly Faith" by The Voice of the Martyrs 

2. "Gay Girl, Good God" by Jackie Hill Perry

1. "Shadow of the Almighty" by Elisabeth Elliot

What books were the highlights of your year?

My Obedience = My Joy

"No."

 A simple word, written, not said. But if it had been said, it would not have come out of my mouth loud and commanding. It would have been soft, with a deep sadness dripping from it.

 Because that was all I could manage.

 Because though I knew saying no was good and right, it was not what I wanted to say. It was the complete opposite of what I wanted to write that day. 

~

Since high school, I feel as if I have been engaged in a battle for joy. Joy in all circumstances. Joy in Christ alone. Joy in saying "Thy will be done." 

 Later high school years, college, after college- life hasn't slowed down or gone as planned. Life gets hard and I pray for joy and contentment, only for it to seemingly allude me. And in the darkness, I am also confused. Surely God, who delights in giving His children good gifts, would grant me joy when it was He who commanded me to be joyful.

 Life continues, and I realize now that joy is a choice. I am waiting to be zapped by His gift of joy, where instantly I will be fully joyful and fully content in Him and whatever situation He has me in, but where would the lesson and growth be in that? Even Paul had to learn contentment. So joy is a choice. I choose joy as my heart's response. I choose to smile, to be thankful, to trust that God is working for my good even in the hard times, that my hope is not in this world but in an eternity in Heaven with Jesus. I am learning.

 But still there is more. 

~

 After I said no, there was such joy. When that no triggered the action I had feared, I felt this intense peace and joy and contentment that I had never experienced before. It wasn't immediately after in the deep heartache. But it wasn't far behind.

 I assumed it was because I had a few people praying for me. I could feel their prayers. But I think it was more.

 Every fiber of my being wanted to say yes. But I said no out of obedience to God. 

 It hurt more than anything had before. But then, unexpectedly, there was joy. Unexplainable joy in sorrow.  

 So joy also requires obedience. 

~

"Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name..."

Philippians 2:5-9, ESV

 Jesus himself was exalted and received joy by being obedient to the Father. He said yes to what He did not want to do- die a cruel death, humble Himself, debase Himself, feel the wrath of His Father in our place, feel such physical pain- an experience that I will never have in its entirety. 

 Jesus did this for me. He did this for you. But He also did this because it was His father's will, and doing His father's will gave Him joy. 

 And doing my father's will will also give me joy. So this is another piece of my joy. For didn't I pray for joy? I didn't pray for joy in this way. But neither did Jesus.

 When we walk with the Lord in the light of His word

What a glory He sheds on our way!

While we do His good will, He abides with us still,

And with all who will trust and obey.

Trust and obey, for there's no other way

To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

"Trust and Obey"

Counting My Blessings // 10 Things I am Thankful For

 ~I am thankful for the passing of time, that I am no longer in the same place I was two or even one year ago. Two years ago I was still new to working full time, and it exhausted me. One year ago I was recovering from a certain situation. Now as I look back I see so much growth, healing, and a forty hour work week that is no longer too much.

~I am thankful that I am eternally secure. I cannot lose my salvation. No matter what I do, Jesus will hold onto me as His child. Even when I feel distant from Him, even when I sin, even when I continue to struggle with the same sins over and over again, He will hold me fast. What a blessing!

~I am thankful for family.  I never wanted to move back home after graduating from college. But I am thankful for my parents and how they love me. In college I so wanted to spend Thanksgiving with my family, but I was too far away. Now I try to treasure every holiday with them, for I do not know what the future holds.

~I am thankful for reconnecting with old friends. 

~I am thankful for new friends.

~I am thankful for friends who have always been my friends, or so it seems. My sister, my old college roommate who I text prayer requests to and who might as well be my sister, my dear friend who meets me at Barnes and Noble, my smart and sweet and dear friend at Dartmouth. 

~I am thankful to have a job and work with people I love dearly.  I also never wanted to work in a factory. It feels like the complete opposite direction that I wanted and what I thought God wanted for me. But this is where He has me, and I am thankful to be working and to have a steady paycheck. And I am thankful for the people there. My good friend from church, my second mother, my sweet Filipino friends my age who I love, the lady who walked to the break room with me when I almost fainted, the woman in shipping who loves to say my name that I share with her daughter, and my boss who has always been generous.

~I am thankful for almost paying off my student loans!

~I am thankful for good books. Life changes and life is hard, but there is always a new and fabulous book to read. I am currently loving "The Soul Winner" by Spurgeon and "The Fruit of the Drunken Tree" by Ingrid Rojas Contreras. 

~I am thankful for the forgiveness of Jesus. It is disheartening for years to go by and I continue to struggle with some of the same sins. But Jesus paid for those sins on the cross with His life. So though I struggle, though I work to get better, though I fight, my battle has already been won by Jesus.

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving? I would love to know and praise God together!

Hold It Gently

Hold it, but hold it gently, she whispers.

 And she presses it softly into my palm.

 Don't cover it with your hands.

 It might be taken away.


 Just look and admire. 

 Bask in its' beauty. 

 Then look away. 

 Things can't last forever. 

 And so much has been taken.



It is the time of year when bright red leaves crunch under my shoes. The flash of red before death.

 I dwell on what is lost, what is missing, and what never was.

 But what is here? A vibrant flash of color to last us through the long, white and gray winter. The softness and quiet of snow. And the promise that winter will not last forever.


So much is taken. But what if these taken things were never mine.

So much is lost. But God has something better to give later.

So much will never be. But someday in Heaven, we will have Jesus and everything that never was will be unimportant and forgotten in His presence. 


So hold it, but hold it gently, I whisper.

And I press it softly into your palm.

Don't cover it with your hands.

It might be taken away.

But our God is kind.

He takes away for our good.

He takes away so we will focus on Him alone.

Things on this earth can't last forever.

But He has given us, believer, an eternal hope through His Son.

When the Lord Your God Was King

"And when you saw that Nahash the king of the Ammonites 
came against you, you said to me, 'No, but a king shall 
reign over us,' when the Lord your God was king."

1 Samuel 12:12, ESV

 I've begun reading the books of Samuel, and I've been taken back to the first time hearing the story of King Saul. I remember wondering why the Israelite's desire for a king was so bad. It seemed reasonable to me, especially since the judges didn't seem to have any lasting good. Every other nation had a king, so why not Israel? 

 What I didn't see was that God was their king. What need did they have for a king when the Lord was on their side?

What I didn't realize was that their desire to be like the other nations was exactly what God didn't want. They were His chosen people, set apart by Him. Why then would they want to be like other nations and have a king when the very fact that they were different meant their safety and prosperity?

 What I didn't read was 1 Samuel 12:12. When Israel saw the king of the Ammonites coming toward them with his army and were afraid, they did not turn to God. Instead, they begged for a king to lead them into battle. Despite the fact that in all of their years of existence it was the Lord that lead them into battle and gave them their victory. 

...why...when the Lord your God was king?

So Samuel begins to sound like Judges and Exodus and Genesis. The Lord is good and faithful. Israel is stupid and unfaithful. But God chooses to continue to love them. 

 It sounds like other blog posts of mine. The Lord is good and faithful. I am stupid and unfaithful. But God chooses to continue to love me.

 The writer in me says, "A book that keeps recycling the plot over and over again within itself? Not good," not to mention my own blog posts that keep showcasing this theme. 

 But this is good. As I have said before and will say again, just as the people of Israel could not (or would not) remember all of the victories God won for them throughout the Bible, we too cannot remember the faithfulness of our God each day.

 If you tire of reading these words from me, please realize that I keep writing these words because I need to hear them. And I think you do, too. As the author of "Because He Loves Me" writes, the gospel is not just for the unsaved. 

 As my eyes lingered on 1 Samuel 12:12, I began to replace some words with my own idols.

"And when you saw that _______________, you said to me, 'No, __________________,' when the Lord your God was ________."

 When we fill in the verses with our own idols and demands, it makes our hopeless unfaithful hearts even more clear. 

 And when I saw that everyone was married except me, I said, "No, I deserve to be married, too," when Jesus Christ was my beloved. 

 I think the Bible has this repetition of Israel's unfaithfulness contrasted with God's constant faithfulness because it truly happened and to show us our depravity compared to His holiness. And then to point us to Jesus who paid for that depravity on the cross. 

 The Lord my God is king. So though I stumble and wish for an earthly king every day, when I am afraid, I will keep running to my king.

"And Samuel said to the people, 'Do not be afraid; you have done all this evil. Yet do not turn aside from following the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart. And do not turn aside after empty things that cannot profit or deliver, for they are empty. For the Lord will not forsake his people, for his great name's sake, because it has pleased the Lord to make you a people for himself."

1 Samuel 12:20-22, ESV

How A Tiny Church in Maine Changed My View of Failure

Many years ago my dad planted trees all around our yard. There were two special balsam firs, one taller than the other. My sister and I quickly claimed them as "our trees", and we helped to plant them and decide where they would go. 

 We still watch our trees and see how they've grown. My sister's tree has grown tall, full, and straight. But my tree has struggled. For the longest time it wouldn't grow. The trunk curled to the right and though it straightened eventually, there's an awkward extension like the handle of a tea cup. And if you look closely, my tree is slanted.

 Recently, my tree feels like a visual reflection of my life. Like my tree, my life seems to be going nowhere. I live at home, I'm single, I have a job in a factory, my writing is struggling, my Bachelors degree has been useless, I've only gotten no's from overseas opportunities, and I am unsure about what I want to be doing in two or three years. I'm just like my crooked, skinny tree.   
 A few weeks ago I was able to take a break from all of those things and spend a weekend in Maine with friends. Sunday morning we worshiped with our sister church- a church that, like mine, has the same send off or "mother" church. 

 My friends told me the church was small. I heard jokes about how our group would double the congregation that morning. But I still wasn't prepared for just how small. At the most there may have been about fifty-five to sixty people, there, including our group of twenty-two. And maybe most surprising was the lack of children.

 It would be easy for us and the church to assume they are a failure, but we don't think that way. Instead, it is encouraging. This church was started about eight years ago and the pastor has been faithfully preaching the Word without fail no matter how many people show up on a Sunday. I know it has been difficult for them to press on at times, but the gospel must be preached whether it is for an audience of twenty or two hundred. God uses the churches of small towns and low numbers as much as he uses the gospel preaching mega churches. This little church looks past the numbers and past the traditional meaning of success to see what God sees: a small church faithfully preaching the gospel and reaching their community with the love of Christ. Isn't that what every church does? Isn't that what every individual believer does?

 I would never call this little church a failure. They are not as big as my church. They have struggled more than most of our fellow church plants and are even smaller than the newest one that is only a year or two old. Of course we want our churches to thrive and grow and plant other churches and fund missionaries and have the capabilities to help in our communities. But at the end of the day all that matters is if the church preached the gospel. 

 My life looks like a failure. From a certain standpoint it is. There is a reason I was not offered jobs and internships. Though there is no shame in working at a factory, I have failed to get a writing job and have failed to finish a book.

 I fail every day in my sin. But I am not a failure. My debt has been paid by Jesus' blood. And isn't that the main point of the gospel? I, we, are failures. We are dead in our sin. But Jesus died for that sin. 

 So if today, God wants me to follow Him by working at a factory, being single, applying for opportunities I may or may not get, and figuring out what my future holds, who am I to argue? It may not be what I had hoped. It may not be glamorous. But it is what God has given to me. 

 My tree may be crooked and strange and not the best tree in our yard. But it is standing and green and growing. And it is mine.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my 

power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast 

all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of 

Christ may not rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I 

am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, 

and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12:9-10, ESV

"But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every 

way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. 

And because of this I rejoice. Yes, and I will continue to rejoice..."

Philippians 1:18, NIV

"The Lord measures the faithfulness 
of our labor, not our success."
~ John Piper

New Favorite Things // May 2018

 I once read about a "Favorite Things" party in a magazine. Every year around the holidays several women got together to celebrate. It was always before or after the Thanksgiving and Christmas rush since none of them had time nor could they gather when they had family obligations. But they set aside a specific time each year to celebrate the season with each other and share a new favorite thing.

 It could be a book they discovered and loved. It could be a recipe. It could be a new lotion or product that revolutionized life. Whatever it was, they would buy one for each friend, sharing the story of why it became a favorite thing.

 So until I have my own place and can host a "Favorite Things" party of my own, here are some of my new favorite things.

ESV Scripture Journals
 My mom made this discovery. You've heard of Journaling Bibles, and this is the same thing, only individual books of the Bible. It is a slim and somewhat small book with the verses on the left page and a blank page with light lines on the right. You can buy the whole New Testament (hopefully the Old Testament will be out soon) or one book of the Bible. 

 My church just started the book of John, so that is the one I got. I've been doing a combination of sermon notes, personal reflections, and drawings and it has been fun and helpful for really getting into John. For the next book I may just use my ESV Scripture Journal for personal reflections and prayers and see if I like it better. 

  
David's Tea
 A new store opened in my area, and it's a loose leaf tea store out of Canada called David's Tea! They have an entire wall of canisters with tea and more flavors than I imagined. I have to admit I am hooked. Their tea is stronger and richer in flavor. Plus they have the coolest names for their teas, like Cold 911. 


What's the Point of Art?
 Since getting an i-phone, I have been enjoying the new world of podcasts. So when I stumbled upon What's The Point of Art from The Gospel Coalition, I listened to it the next day on my way to work. I love how God works, because over these last few months I have been wrestling with my writing and the gospel and how they connect on a functional level. How do I write good literature without being preachy since I am writing stories and not sermons? But how can I not put the gospel into my writing since the gospel is the most important thing in my life and the entire world? What is the balance? 

 I concluded that I was overthinking things as usual. But the question was still there. And then I listened to this podcast. I am still unclear as to how the gospel will appear in my writing specifically. But this podcast was so helpful to me. And I think that other artists would love it, too. It is about creating art and not just for writers. So I encourage artists and art enthusiasts alike to listen. Though on the longer side, Jackie Hill Perry is hilarious, and it seemed short to me. I need to listen to it again!

Newly Discovered Music
 These are the songs I've been playing on repeat, lately.

 On Jordan's Stormy Banks by Peter Bradley

 St. Clarity - Mahogany Sessions by The Paper Kites

 Fall Away by Jackie Hill Perry

 Delicate by Taylor Swift


Mochithings
 Super excited and nerding out on this cool Korean website that sells notebooks, journals, stickers, and other office type supplies. Maybe it is the type of stuff they sell. Maybe it's the Asian designs and vibes. Maybe it's the specific and detailed sticky notes (I just got cherry blossoms!!) Whatever it is, I love it! I'm not one to spend money easily, but I was literally squealing as I viewed every page. So check out mochithings. 


 What are some of your new favorite things?

An Open Letter to My Sister Graduating from College

When you started college, I had lots of advice. From roommates to homework to living away from home for the first time, I knew what you would struggle with and I knew what I wanted to share with you.

Now you are graduating. I know many of the struggles coming your way. But if I'm honest, I have little advice to give since they are still the same struggles that I am currently battling.

 So I write to you as an older sister who has started this journey a few years ahead of you, but who is still learning. And this is what I want to tell you about post graduate life.  

 1. People will tell you how you should live your life. 

 People love to share their opinions, particularly, I have found, when it comes to where you should live. Some will tell you to live with your parents because it is financially smart. Others will tell you not to live with your parents because if you do you will not be a true adult. And still others will tell you everything in-between. 

 Some will be people who love you and have wise things to say.  Most, I have found, will be people who will share their opinions whether you want to hear or not. Do me a favor and ignore that second group. They don't always know you and what you need. They don't know our family and what is best for us. So long as you have a job and are doing what you and our parents feel is right, do what you want and not what they think you should do.

 Even taking into consideration the words of wise people who love you, the decision is yours and your alone. So make your choice with no guilt. 



2. Be Flexible. 


If I have learned one thing about life after college, it is its' unpredictability. I told myself that this was when life was really going to happen, and I was right, but not in the ways that I expected or hoped. I didn't get married. I didn't get a job in my field. I didn't even stay in the area I wanted. I think in high school and college our life is settled in most ways. Yes, a lot is up in the air, but we know we're going to wake up in the morning and go to class and in the summers work and go to the beach. But after graduation, there is nothing quite so "fixed" in that way. There are endless possibilities- jobs, more school, travel, internships, locations- and there are endless possibilities within those categories. And it is all before us and all up to us. With so many possibilities, flexibility is required. 



3. The path is not always clear.

 For some it is, and I envy them. But for me, I feel like I have been walking through fog since my college graduation. I can only see what is directly under my feet. 

 Thankfully Jesus is my lighthouse, the light forever glowing and leading me toward Him. Thankfully He is yours, too. 


4. Have fun in this season of your life.

   I don't need to tell you to have fun, the girl who will always have fun and will make fun for everyone else. Just don't forget its importance when life gets hard. Every different season of my life has had its difficulties. But I always miss some parts of them. Don't forget to have fun in the unique parts of this season.

 And it is a part of joy and contentment. It is a part of being thankful for what God has given us and choosing to be joyful in those blessings despite the turmoil and despite everything wrong. 

 So take time to do something crazy that will make you laugh.

5. You can't do this.

 There is debate about when a person truly becomes an adult. No matter when it really happens, you are one now. 

 And you can't do it.

 I can't do it.

 At the end of the day, when we have bills to pay, an endless amount of student loans, a pile of no's from our dream employers, and an empty fridge, we can't do this.

 Luckily, we have a savior who can.

 Remember that with me as we try to figure out our lives and fail miserably.